Voices of my Mind, Heart, and Soul.

Time really flies.

2012-01-30T20:36:00.002+08:00

FUCK IT. I type an entire essay over here and it just fucking disappear! This is a re-type.

As of today, I'm no longer part of IMOS. I'm no longer an OJT trying to pass his assessment. It's good-bye my beret, hello my ball-cap.
I've graduated.

I no longer need to return to IMOS. I can no longer see my entire 1/11 batch-mates anymore as each and everyone of us is doing our vocation on board different ships in different bases. I'm now a posted crew of RSS Sovereignty.

Everyone seems happy they graduated. The 'Two Months of Mental Hell' is finally over! Somehow, it's never over for me. Even when I'm graduated officially already, there's still so much more to learn. I still can't properly execute a full day QM duty and I still can't understand everything there is to FFDC. These are just the side 'quests' I have yet to complete.

There's still my NVS duties. I still can't single-up for ops, I still can't handle the multi-tasking required for NVS ops. Why? I don't know. I kept trying. I even go as far as role-playing my role at home, trying to multi-task with a timer, but I keep failing. It just add up to the stress I am having right now when I know I put in effort but gets no results!

Today, many of my batch-mates who were close to me during my IMOS days asked me a question. They asked why have my white hair doubled as compared to the last time they saw me in camp before OJT. I simply told them because I'm still trying to cope with the stress. But these are harmless. Stress have caused me various health problems. When I stress, I eat a lot at once to distract myself from thinking. Now, I've gain a few extra weights that I have no time to lose them. It further cause me my current gastric pains. Which escalated to a deep degree of pain and now I have to see a specialist for it. I always knew my morning stomach pains and need to use the washroom since secondary 2 is a problem with my stomach, but I never had the money to pay for a specialist check, and neither do my parents. Now that I'm a NSF, it's paid by the government, so it's high time I get it checked though I...

...I know it won't help at all.
I've told my chief about what I'm going through. She's a really nice chief and though she tried her best to ease me off my current state of stress and worries, it isn't really helping much. She told me that I am putting myself in such a stressful situation because I'm progressing too fast and hope that I could slow down my paces so my mind can adapt to it.

But how?
How can I afford to slow down, now more than ever when I'm already a posted crew? How can I afford to slow down, when I know it will affect the performance of the ship and let everyone down? I can't slow down, in fact, I have to further increase my pace so I can completely understand and execute what's required of me as part of the ship! I can't slow down, I really can't slow down! Trust me, I even tried. But I can't.

Do you know?

It's so heavy... Neck's stiff... Shoulders and back is hurting...

Yet, I ain't even carrying any physical. My mind IS the one that's carrying it.
I felt like the Titan who needs to bear the weight of the world on his shoulders right now in Greek Mythology. Pardon me but serving this 2 years of NS means the WORLD to me. That's why I'm feeling like this. I mean hey, I'm protecting my country dammit! Being a Navy men means my ship is my 2nd family - which again means my world too. This weight, I can't let go. I just can't. That is why I'm constantly doing my best trying to achieve those that I've yet to achieve. But I ain't getting anywhere - I'm only getting from bad to worse.

It's mind-blowing, in a bad way. My mind felt like blowing-up for real.

KABOOM! And I turn insane...

...That however, I am trying to avoid. Many times have I felt like breaking down, but persevered through. But for how long more can I last? I fear not long...

At this moment, I felt like just exploding, turning mentally insane from the stress.

I'm still trying... Still not giving up... Still doing my best...

But really... Not for long. I can't hold out that long anymore.

Decisions.

2011-11-27T17:08:00.000+08:00

Running on a fever now. Truly FUBAR.

It's finally the end of my journey in the Institute of Maritime Operation and System(IMOS). It's already been 8 months since I enlisted into the Republic of Singapore Navy(RSN) on 040311. Now, I'm on my 5 days leave before I report to Tuas Naval Base for my On-Job Training(OJT) onboard one of the Patrol Vessels(PV), namely the RSS Sovereignty.

It's going to be tough. Very tough. The regimentation expected will be very high and being part of the Maritime Security Task Force(MSTF) now, I no longer have weekends free for me to rest. Nevertheless, I will conquer this phase with discipline and positive attitude!

For the past few days, I've been doing a lot of thinking.

Right now, I just want to leave everything aside and do what I wanted.

I don't want to go out with friends, I don't need my parent's nagging,

I don't want my girlfriend to accompany me, I just want me.

I just want some quality time for myself alone.
Where I can feel the faint tranquility of this wretched world, find silence in this noisy world,

To be by myself again.

Changed.

2011-09-01T21:04:00.000+08:00

Hi people.

It might come to you as a surprise if you suddenly see this post.

I am blogging, not for any special reasons actually. I just feel like writing something.

I know I left my NS story halfway through, but I ain't gonna continue with how's life in BMT. All you should know that it's less tough time, more fun time! It's the period of time where our sergeants really started to open up to us and vice versa. I can still remember the day - 02 July 2011 - the day I proudly finishes my BMT. Our Passing Out Parade was a huge success. Our batch achieve better results in term of individual soldier's grading and physical fitness. Our performance for the P.O.P is also very much welcomed and appreciated by the higher-ups and families alike. The drill team which I am in trained hard... Real hard to make it perfect to the dot. When we threw our berets up in the sky, the serious part of the parade ended and the happy time started.

And that 9 weeks of fun just ended in a blink of an eye... And 4 weeks of Naval Foundation Module starts. Learn really the basics among the basics such as Naval Terminologies and Rope Work, Handling Hawser and Basic CIS 0.5 GPMG.

Here I am now going through my BSC as a Navigation Specialist... waking up every morning around 0500H - 0530H for Early Morning Exercise(EME). Can't elaborate it, but it's just the basics. I will then eat my breakfast and then quickly go back to my cabin(Naval Term for Bunk) and prepare for Colours(Naval Term for flag raising ceremony). Then spending the rest of the day studying the basics of what a junior rating must do as a Navigator.

I've gotten what I want as a Navigation Specialist.
Now I just need to work hard.
Thanks honey, for patiently supporting me through those tough times where I was really stressed about certain stuffs. I love you!

As for this blog, I suggest everyone to just visit it once a month to see if I update.
Oh!

On October 10th to October 20th, I'll be sailing to Indonesia for some community work! I MEAN FINALLY, WE ARE SAILING!!!

I shall end it for now. Ciao~!

The End of PTP.

2011-04-27T10:36:00.000+08:00

What else to say? It's finally over. Right now, I am having my block leave till next Monday, where I would need to book-in by 2015hrs at Tanah Merah again.

Sincerely hope the new recruits don't fuck us up. I sincerely hope too the old guys knew that BMT won't be easy and the discipline must be there, please guys... Don't let this short break take away your discipline!

For now, I have a set of training regime I need to follow throughout this short break. I need to start cultivating the discipline to do training on my own as our BMT phase would be very much filled with theory classes and tests and much lesser PTs.

Now, other than training, I seriously need to figure out what else I need to do. Darn, many of my friends are packed on weekdays with work and schools, so can't go out with me even if they wanted to. Maybe I should pop-by JE Library and spend my time there reading some History books to gain some magnificent infos. I should also go to the gym to do some dragonboat training regime and the swimming pool for some practice for my CAT-1 test that will be coming up during my BMT days.

So many things to do, so little time. I still need to write my daily happenings on my journal so the sergeants and sirs can read! Troublesome but I don't mind. I'm already gotten use to the military life, it's less stressful than even staying at home. BMT will be the best days in these 2 years of my National Service, I intend to make the best out of it. Making friends, having fun and other stuffs. We play hard, we train harder, we do our best.

I ain't looking forward to my time in BSC though, it would be lessons everyday depending on which vocation you are posted to. There will be rarely any PTs and you will have to do trainings yourself.

There are some interesting things my boatswain share with us about!
We all know IMOS is infested with rats, especially the dumping area opposite us. But why isn't our building infected with these pests? Because we ain't allowed to bring in snacks! He told us even though the BSC blocks are much further away from the dumping area, there are rats spotted even on the corridors of the building. BSC trainees are allowed to bring in their own snacks, but those darn rodents bite their way through the steel lockers! Jeez!!! There are also many traps laid around to hamper their activities. He also shared about this one guy from BSC who already graduated and now serve in the Changi Naval Base. That guy, was a magnificent pest-controller. In a day, he can catch about 3-5 rats with the traps he carry around! That guy's a genius! We also talked about a lot of stuffs. My boatswain is going to ORD soon though. During the first week of our BMT, he would leave us already. He is a great boatswain who train cadets up with his extremely harsh doctrine.

That's about it for today I guess. The sun is up high and it's time to run!
I need to start training. Later people~

The 7th week.

2011-04-21T08:25:00.000+08:00

Hi guys. Wondering why I am back home right now?
I'm preparing to meet my maker. LOL! No lah, I am getting ready to face the final results of the bone scan. Hope I won't get down PES to C. People, pray for me and wish me luck!

This week's been hell so far. The amount of punishment we took for the lack of discipline/sharp decline of discipline amounts to infinite. How would like to do infinite counts of 4 of chicken back-side? I didn't took part in anyway. Fell severely unwell thanks to some fucked up headache. Gotten light duties for two days and today, I finally be able to go back on track.

Oh, in case you guys didn't know, Sir Zhan Hong allowed me to run again! It's great news to be able to join the company in Cadence's Run. Today, there's the IMOS CHALLENGE. It involves different kind of game activities and I took part in the swimming and navigating one. I'm a genius when it comes to direction, hope I won't let the company down - or rather, the House of Victory!!! We'll be competing with other BSC houses. They are Endurance, Fearless, Formidable and Bedok. House of Victory is for the BMTC recruits like us!

Thank goodness we have many guys over here who are physically strong. May the House of Victory win this round just like how we did for IMOS 15!!!

Just yesterday, a big hoohaa happened.

Wee Chueng, a bully in the company, always pick on the weaker people and those who think he can mess with. After weeks of bullying and poking fun at Ming Huat, our company's guy who can't really speak English, Ming Huat flare up and push him. They cause a commotion, and Ming Huat got 3 days of confinement and Wee Chueng got 2. How unfair it is!

During our admin time though, a bunch of people went ahead and bully Wee Chueng for what he did today. Well, not only today actually, that guy's been a pain in the ass since enlistment day. A stupid guy who think he can do whatever he wants. Always try to slack off when he can. He's a guy that most of the company hated a lot. He's in my hate list as well.

After being strip of his clothing and had Colgate toothpaste all over his body, that loser can't take it and went to report to the sergeants. This cause another commotion and all who were in the room kena fuck up down left right, including me. The people who were directly involved refuse to own up, then in the end, when their names were called out by the officers, they receive more punishment. One guy got charged for not having integrity.

Fuck up shit is fuck up shit.
Now, Saravanan is completely sick of this company and wish to resign already. I don't know how many more will follow up like this. I mean, look... Even I got sick of this company already... I sincerely hope he will stay and last through the end of this. We just have to last till next Tuesday's East Coast Park 7km run, and that'll be the end of PTP. After a week of block leave, we will begin our 3 months of BMT.

I must persevere. The only thing that kept me going throughout the days and weeks and months, are those photos of my old self which I am trying to regain, and when it comes to those moments where I would faint from fatigue and stress, it's the thought of you that flashes in my head that kept me gritting my teeth and enduring all the pain I experienced.

I want to be a better man, someone capable of taking care of you. Though our paths will never meet this I know, and I miss you so. You're gone, but thank you for constantly appearing when I'm near my breaking point. Thanks hon', though our mutual feelings had faded since ages past.

4th & 5th week.

2011-04-07T13:38:00.000+08:00

This is my 5th week actually.
Didn't manage to update on time. Well, on the 4th week there isn't anything worth noting down other than punishments, punishments, punishments. Oh, also out of 64 people, 34 people had their phone confiscated. Why? Those smart people couldn't stand the loneliness in camp and needs to constantly be on contact with their girlfriend so yeah. My phone wasn't confiscated though cause I didn't done anything wrong. :)

Back to the 5th week.

Wonder why the hell am I posting this on Thursday? I'll tell you why. I had to get my bone scan at both my shin. Doctor says the scan is to detect any stress fracture on my shin. I arrived at 0800hrs and got in early. Got an injection which doctor says it suppose to help my blood circulation(?)??? Seriously, I am confused. He just told me to walk around and come back in at 1445hrs. That 6 bloody hours!!! So I got home. Informed my Boatswain about not being able to catch the bus to Changi Naval Base at 1215hrs and meet the book-in timing 1230hrs. He acknowledged and told me to be back by 1830hrs. That's fine, I guess.

On the other hand, I forget to inform you guys about a tragic event that happened to us Chieftain Division. Someone lied to my instructors about being able to use the heads(toilet) as and when he needs and booooom! He was made to write 1000 lines of 'I will not lie to my instructors again' which obviously, that lazy bastard fail to make it in time. This in turn, cause his buddy to do the same, only this time both of them have to write 2000 lines. Now, they are given the weekends to write 2000 lines which is very easily done but both of them failed. In the end, their whole boat - Chieftain boat 2(I'm in Chieftain boat 1) had to write, each of them 1000 lines.

As if that is not enough. Just as when most of them had completed their 1000 lines, someone from Chieftain boat 2 lied to the instructor yet again - this time, about touching the fence during punishment. NOW, the whole of Chieftain Division HAD TO WRITE 1000 LINES. We wrote. When some of us were close to completion with 12hrs left to deadline, 3 guys were taking their time to write their lines. 1st guy, is the guy who lied to the instructor about him being given the permission to use the heads(toilet) as and when he needs. 2nd guy is the 1st guy's buddy. Both of them are lazy buggers and are always causing trouble for the company. The 3rd guy, is from my cabin. He's a simpleton. I tend to close one eye when he make mistakes but now he's getting from bad to worse. He no longer listen to anyone's word and for a swollen foot, he dare ask the M.O for 3 month status. BLOODY HELL. My leg is about to break thanks to some random stress fracture on my shin, and I had only a 1 month status. Seriously, want to Chao Keng also Chao Keng the right way mah, bloody hell.

Whatever. I hope when I book in later today after my bone scan, nothing will happen. I don't want to go back just to find out now the whole Company, Chieftain and Centurion Division, must write 1000 lines per man. God, I pray to you, help those 3 asses or get them into some accident so they get kicked out of the course instead!

Though, I am most likely to be kicked out of course thanks to these legs of mine. This seriously blows. Also, I landed myself with another X-ray scan for my lungs/chest. I've been coughing for 3 weeks, so I reported sick and visit the M.O. to ask for more medicine. Darn the M.O. ask me to go CMPB - MCC for an X-ray scan on the 18th on April! DAMMIT. WHY CAN'T I HAVE A NORMAL, FRUITFUL MILITARY LIFE!?

Fuck it. Forget it.
If I really have to be down pes, I shall just accept fate.
Hopefully once I really kena down pes C or D, my legs will recover and I'll appeal for a change of pes status back to pes B.

3rd week.

2011-03-27T19:05:00.000+08:00

3rd week into PTP, 5 more weeks to go.

Sir Zhan Hong disallowed me to run anymore, despite all my efforts in revoking my status.
Now I have a MRI(I think?) scan awaiting me on the 7th of April 2011, and I hope if everything turns out fine, the higher ups will allow me to do running with the rest again.

3rd week passed normally with nothing much to note about.
Still pretty depressed I am not allowed to do running anymore. There goes my dream of joining the Naval Divers. All I can do now is to train my upper body, and I am putting a lot of effort in the trainings. I need to become fit.

As for company 1/11, things going the same. Unity isn't there. Here, we have a bunch of people doing their best to train their body and mind. A bunch of elitist poly students here who couldn't accept the fact that the slower people needs more time to adjust and encouragement, not flaming, insults nor sarcastic remarks. There are also people who simply refuse to change, and people who constantly seeks to slack off every second. Not forgetting those who were seriously self-centered.

I don't know what to say. If I am the sergeant, everyday the company would be screwed up down left right by me for being so divided. I ain't. I don't have the right to say. I do what I do best, help from the shadows. I don't need recognition, I just want to have a fruitful military life.

I'm about to book in to IMOS soon, hope the 4th week would be smooth sailing again and hopefully this time round, the company would bond together and be as one. As of now, we're still divided by pride and other emotional issues. Can company 1/11 really set aside all their differences to stand as one? We'll see... We'll see...

1 hour left. I better go prepare my stuffs and prepare to leave.
Though adapted to the military regimentation and stuffs, I miss my wings of freedom.
Only 4 months. I can do it. I can train hard.
Good-bye people.

2 weeks of Confinement, my first Book-out~!

2011-03-19T16:52:00.000+08:00

Hi people!
I am back from my first two weeks of my Navy life!
Yesterday night was the night I book-out with the rest of my company, and it's the night everyone is looking forward to. For most of my company, they are eager to quickly get home to see their family, shower up and change before heading out to find their lovers! For me though, I am simply contented just go home, and rest. I wasn't in the condition to go out to enjoy the freedom anyway!

These two weeks have been both hell and heaven for me. The tough training and the strict regimentation kinda serve it's good and bad. It isn't that bad, but my physical condition deprive me any head-starts. Waking up at 5am every morning to wash up and get ready, or sometimes washing my clothes isn't hard at all. When I am selected to be the company IC, I couldn't cope up with the responsibility, and I just kinda break down. I wasn't given any chance to atone for my past mistakes. Shortly after I became the company IC, my legs were pushed to the limits during our 2nd IPPT and I collapse onto the ground, unable to feel my legs. It's like they are not there. There are sharp pains shooting out from my shin bones on both side. Sadly, I had to be send to the medical center for check-up. After my check-up there, I was sent to Changi General Hospital for further analysis. Was given a jab to ease my pain on my shin bones, then was sent for X-Ray.

Results turn shows that one of my shin bones, either left or right, have a crack line.
Probably the result of me trying to be a hero - I shouldn't have jump in front of the bike to stop the snatch-theft. Both me and the rider flew, though he sustain more injuries than I do, doctor said I am fine and nothing is wrong with me. The police who arrived on scene scolded me for being reckless though. This happened years ago. The after-effect of it probably shows now.

The doctor then gave me a medical report, which states - "excuse duties for 1 month, fit only for light duties." My heart just sank. She then gave me an appointment date with the bone doctor(orthopedic?). I know that if the doctor declare a negative result, my PES would drop. I don't want that..! I wanted to go into a combat unit - the Naval Divers!!! Or at least even go on-board a frigate!!! I don't want to be stuck in the base doing Admin duties!!! If there is a God up there, please fix my leg up so I can be declared fit for duties once again and resume training!!!

Pushing myself to the limit, with only one goal in mind, to break my limits and achieve Gold Standard in IPPT. It's only been two weeks, but I have shredded off a few cm worth of fats from my overall build! I am very happy with the results. But after my second week there was a fail thanks to the injury I had on my shin. Didn't get to train much with the rest of the company. They already doing Intervals, and I can't even start on it yet. This is bullshit. I wanted to train so much, but I can't because of the god-damn medical report and my god-forsaken legs.

I AM PISSED TO THE MAX.
But there are happy and joyful times in the camp too. My company have a bunch of genuinely slow-learners, and some who were simply too use to the life they had outside and can't adjust to the military life. Not forgetting those that simply can't be bothered. They are out there to fuck the company up. The amount of punishment we receive each day, let's say push-ups, easily shot over 200. That's fucked.

Now that I am out, I just hope that I can book-out safely next week. If my company is really at what I expected them to be, we would be booking out every weekend. But apparently no, my company is far from united. People are still blaming each other. With this, I am expecting myself to not be able to book out until the end of my PTP - which still have 6 weeks to go. These 6 weeks left, I am prepared to go through hell and heaven with my company, despite it having some extras who kinda ruin the company. Not everyone is perfect and I can accept them. I am pretty good with drills thanks to my NPCC backgrounds, so I can contribute to the company when it comes to drills. All it takes now, is for this company - 1/11 - to buck up and help themselves! I sincerely hope nothing bad will happen during the next 6 weeks of PTP and the next 9 weeks of BMT.

May 1/11 strive for the best!
1/11 Banzai!!!

==============
Oh yeah, there are a few very nice song our boatswains taught us, it's titled - "When the cold wind blows" and "Purple Light"
Here, I write it down, figure the tune out yourself though. :)

"WHEN THE COLD WIND BLOWS"
In the early morning run~
With my buddy by my side~
With an aching in my heart~
And my body full of sweat~
I'm a long long way from home~
And I miss my lover so~
In the early morning run~
When the cold wind blows~
When the cold wind blows~
When the cold wind blows~
When the cold wind blows~
And I miss you so~
I know I know~
You have to go~
So hurry back home~
Cause I miss you so~

"PURPLE LIGHT"
Purple light, in the valley.
That is where, I wanna be!
PTP, best companions.
With my rifle and my buddy and me~

Cadence's Run, sibei jialat!
IPPT, lagi worse!
Everyday, doing PT.
With my rifle and my buddy and me~

Booking out, see my girlfriend.
Saw her with, another man!
Broken heart, back to Navy.
With my rifle and my buddy and me~

ORD, back to studies.
Got degree, so happy!
Can't forget, days in Navy.
With my rifle and my buddy and me~

Purple heart, at the war front.
That is where, my buddy died.
If I die, would you bury me~
With my rifle and my buddy and me~
======================
In case some of you decided to ask stupid question, purple heart is a medal given to those who have been wounded or killed in war. It applied to U.S Military, so I don't think if I were to get wounded or killed in the Gulf of Aden, I will get the purple heart. Well, it's not something I wanted anyway!

Day 3 of Chalet.

2011-02-27T23:25:00.000+08:00

It's day 3 and YES SADLY, we didn't really do anything other than rotting and lazing around. HAHAHA!!!

I can't believe I waited for days to post this. The Internet is giving problems by refusing my daily dosage of anime and manga, and even not allowing me to see my own blog and e-mail!

And yes, 5 more days to go, and I will be saying good-bye to this world as 2 years of my life will be spent in the Republic of Singapore Navy.

Go in fat, come out sexy, that's what I wanted! We shall see how it goes. LOL!!!

Day 2 of Chalet.

2011-02-22T23:35:00.000+08:00

It's day 2 of chalet.
Like I said, we went to Universal Studio Singapore, but we didn't enter...
By the time everyone gotten ready, it's already 1300hrs.
By the time Kenji's and Adelia's friends confirm they can't give us a discount to enter, it's already 1430hrs.

We then decided to head over to Vivo to watch movie. Sadly, there isn't a movie that can fit my timing, so they bought their tickets without me as I need to leave by 1600hrs to meet Spidey at East Coast Lagoon Village, the place in East Coast Park that sell lots and lots of seafood!

But before I leave, we decided to slack at Pacific Coffee. At our time there, I took some pictures, using the two couples there as models! Credits goes to Adelia for lending me her DSLR and the models' cooperation! Also, credits goes to your's truly for the magnificent pictures~!

Ellynor & Nelson - The Sweet Couple~

Adelia & Kenji - The Romantic Duo~

Yup Yup! Nice right? :D

I left at about 1630hrs since Spidey smsed me they might be late. I took a cab down and to my dismay, I am the only one who arrived, still on time - 1700hrs sharp.

NO ONE'S HERE AND I WAITED FOR ABOUT 1HR THEN SPIDEY CAME WITH PHYLLO. ;_;

Yeah, we had some good light dishes over there first then came Hong Wei, arriving approximately 45mins later. When Phyllo left, Sherwyne arrived. And that's where we had our second light dishes. At about 2045hrs, Wen Jie, Kenneth, and Eugene arrive! THEY TAKE SO BLOODY LONG!!!!! Then at 2105hrs, the Boss arrived. LOL.

They started eating their dinner. Me and Spidey were really too full to continue but clams doesn't really fill our tummy so we just goes on eating anyway. :3

Went to Bedok Cash Studio to sing Karaoke! Sang some old english songs, not forgetting some chinese songs! Never touch on Japanese songs, since I did not prepare any lyrics with me.

Frankly speaking, I don't know about others but I prefer to keep quiet and listen to the one singing. To me, this is a form of respect for the singer. I shall not name names, but if you're there to play Pokemon, then keep the volume down and respect the singers or if you can't do that, get out of the room and play. Also, when someone is singing, YOU DON'T SING ALONG AT THE TOP OF THE VOICE, to the point you even cancel out the mic's volume. Even if you insist on singing along, keep it down to only you can hear. Some songs are meant to be sang alone, if you can't even understand and respect this, why should I respect you when you obviously show you can't respect me?

If you're reading this, please take this time and reflect upon your actions. You have allowed your pride to scar this friendship between me and you, and don't expect me to forgive you just so easily. You have been behaving like a real jerk ever since you got so into those darn websites and yes, I am being open-minded to the point that seriously, it's sickening to see you so obsess with that.

Tried to help, but apparently obsession is a very powerful thing, the more I help, the more strain it applies on this friendship. Some bonds, once damaged, cannot be repaired and now that you have damage our friendship so badly, it's high time I let you fall and not bother by you. I gain nothing from helping you, so you're on your own. I can't be bothered anymore.

We sang till about 3pm, where we split ways and I took a cab back to Sentosa.
When I reached the doorstep, I called Nelson's phone and he opened the door for me. By this time, everyone's asleep. LOL. So without further ado, I jump to the bed that was available and slept.

Will update the day 3 tomorrow. For now, I wish to sleep. :D
Nights~

3 days of fun, peace, and joy.

2011-02-21T22:42:00.000+08:00

It's a great sunny Friday morning. Yes, I woke up at 10am. Why?
I have a chalet to go~! With my old buddies Nelson, Gordon, Kenji, Darren! Ellynor(Nelson's GF), Adelia(Kenji's GF) and KK(Ellynor's godbro) were also attending!

The bus trip to Vivo City from my house was very peaceful, so peaceful that I almost fell asleep en-route there. When I arrived, the time from my watch shows I'm an hour early. We're suppose to meet at 1330hrs, but I came an hour earlier because I wanted to get some money from a cheque that I fail to cash-in for 2 months. LOL!

30mins passed in DBS Bank at Harbourfront center. Finally gotten some money at hand, so I went off to the meeting place. Unsurprising, Gordon had already arrived and was waiting for the rest. After 30mins of wait, we called them and ask where are they. Ellynor and Adelia, who told us to meet at 1330hrs, said they just reached Orchard and was going to collect something!

So poor Gordon and I went ahead and walk around Vivo to kill time. When it's 1400hrs, Nelson arrived. At 1430hrs, the two ladies finally arrived. LOL! So 1hr was spent waiting. What a way to start an outing! LOL!!!

We started window shopping for awhile, then have our breakfast at... I can't remember. I think we just went to Starbucks and get some drinks that's all. We resume window-shopping, cracking jokes and silly nonsenses until it's time for us to check-in into the Costa Sands resort(NTUC) at Siloso beach, Sentosa.

We cab in, because it's cheaper than taking the monorail, which is $3 for EACH HEAD so yeah. Our driver was blur, so Me, Gordon and Nelson ended up at Beach Station(the monorail) of Sentosa instead of the place we're heading. We alighted and head for the free tram towards Siloso beach instead! When we reach, all of us were simply disappointed. The room is too small to house 7 people!!!

Drop our luggage and slack in the room for a short while before heading out to buy breakfast for tomorrow! Head out and buy our breakfast for tmr, then eat dinner(I think... Can't remember!).

Well, night came and Kenji and Darren join us, have dinner at Sushi-Tei and went out of Vivo by the harbour to catch a Chinese Junk leaving the harbour! :D

I took some pictures of it using Adelia's DSLR. Historically, the ship's overall design was a Chinese Junk(in case you dunno, a Junk is a ship). It was modified with a modern ship engine and bridge, with radar equipments. The ship flies the flag of Russia, and onboard the ship are many sailors, including some of our own poly students from SP(they are wearing SP clothes). Stay around till they left our sight! Went back to the small room we booked and slack our time off till 0230hrs then sleep.

But I couldn't sleep. I was sleeping beside Gordon and he was snoring like a giant. When he stop snoring, Kenji and Nelson started snoring. When both stop snoring, Gordon resumes, even louder! How to sleep? ;_;

I stayed up the whole time and to my dismay, I saw something move outside the window. I know what I saw, so I just look away from the window and kept quiet listening to my Ipod Shuffle. Woke everyone up at 0700hrs, and everyone slowly take their time to wash-up. Namely Gordon and Kenji, they took forever to shower!!! LOL!!!

Went to Universal Studio Singapore... Or wanted to... I shall update this post next time, for now, I am tired. Shall blog tmr! Later~!

The moment I look back.

2011-02-16T02:47:00.000+08:00

Was simply slacking around in my room as usual(couldn't move thanks to a stupid blister. Burst but won't heal.) doing my stuffs(watching videos and playing games) and all of a sudden, I kinda hear someone's voice.

That's when I simply stop everything and somehow, just started deep-thinking.

Yes, sadly, I went too far, this time.
I begin to think about my very first relationship, on what shattered it and all. Strangely enough, I had enough courage to deliver full left hook on someone's left cheek but didn't even dare to hold my girlfriend's hand. Some scenes were blur, probably because I couldn't remember much. But I remember when she sent me the necklace I bought for her and wants to break up with me, I simply let her go, asking her to keep the necklace since it's already her's.

Then, my second relationship, on how did it happened. She was someone's boyfriend a week ago and then all of a sudden, I find myself holding her hands walking down the moonlit path along the reservoir, where my first kiss was stolen by her. Yes, she took action first and was the first girl I held hands with. Somehow, one way or another, it gotten to the point where her parents called me and scream at me. Still can remember I am shouting back angrily because I wasn't in the wrong. Broke up because she wanted to. I couldn't hold back my tears, and they simply rolls off my cheek as I quietly stood on the train home.

Third relationship, hell. I lost her to Miyabi/Miyavi/whatever his name is. A Jap Trash singer. His screamo songs and rock can't beat Gazette and Led Zeppelin so yeah. Nothing much worth talking about.

....

And it just ended there. Don't ask me why, I don't know... Probably got disturbed by my mum who always intrudes my room despite me locking it. When I am lost in thoughts, I lost my sense of surrounding as well... And that's fucking bad. I'll probably die on the frontlines of the battlefield.

Haiz, why am I talking about this? It's retarded. Relationships always work for others and never works for me. Hell, I even got a couple together and now they are happily married with a cute baby boy! *prays you two don't divorce*

It's not my time yet. I know that very well. But I know myself... If I start to get too serious in my work, I will be such workaholic that even if a bomb explodes at my workplace, I would still want to finish my work. I probably won't even want to have a girlfriend by then because my trust won't be there knowing most girls at that time would simply attach themselves to guys with money.

Can't risk it. I have a hatred for materialistic girls. Don't ask why but know this - They are the kind who I won't hesitate to slap/punch/kick/whatever them real hard. Don't play with my feelings.

That's all for today~

Tired... *yawns*

21 days is all that remains

2011-02-11T04:09:00.000+08:00

21 more days of freedom.
21 more days left to do whatever I wanted.
21 more days to train.
21 more days of good food to eat.
21 more days till enlistment.

I can't wait.
National Service is the time where I would just downright feel like I am the richest man on the Universe(because I believe in aliens!).
It's the time where I am paid to eat and train.
It's the time where I'll get to meet different people from different walks of life.
It's the time where I'll definitely make some friends, or enemies.
It's the time where I get to prove my mettle.
But most importantly...
It's the time where I won't need to bother a single thing about the world.

Life in the Navy(army for most) will be a breeze other than training time. Those days I've been running, I have completely neglected strength training. I need to start training on my strength if I were to survive through BMT.

I know they will grind me till I become Iron man, but still. I lack some basics. I need to get them right again.

Well, all in all, I simply just can't wait for the day to arrive.
Most boys say it's a waste of time, others simply dread NS.
They can go in a boy and out a boy for all I care, but I am definitely going in a boy and out a man!

This month alone, I had many dear friends whom loved ones kicked the bucket.
No amount of words can ease their pain.
For some reason, I just feel like writing this.

====Falling Star====
Another falling star,
Another life exhausted.

A sorrowful ballad,
A river of tears.
=================

I hope nothing happens to any of my loved ones.
Especially you, and you know who you are.
I pray to the universe that you'll be safe and happy everyday.
And it seems my prayers were answered. :)
All shall thanks the almighty alien~!!!

That's all for today. I need to sleep.
Must rest well for Gekiken demostration and booth for Chingay later.
Can't afford to fall off the 4m by 4m stage.
Seriously... That's too small for a spearman like me! I'll just have to make do then.

Pride issues?

2011-02-09T03:29:00.000+08:00

I should be sleeping but I can't sleep. Tomorrow there's my Basic Theory Evaluation. But right now, I just need to rawr abit. There might be a beautiful strings of vulgarities during rawring so readers please be advised, stay away if you do not wish to get radiated.

=====================

Sometimes, when I talk to some of the closest friends I have, things do get really sour for me.
Seriously? When you guys are down, all I ever wanted to do for you guys were to just cheer you up and behold the ultimate stupidity - I ain't given a chance because I am younger than you guys.

WHY THE FUCK SO?
Pride issues? Or was it simply abandonment issues?

For Christ's/Buddha's/Allah's sake, just because you guys are more intelligent and been through more things doesn't mean you been through everything nor does it mean you know everything. Sometimes, I'll close my right eye on such issues because I think you guys just doesn't want people to prod.

But when the people you guys seek to share your burden with came to me with your problems, what does that makes me feel? You bunch of 'adults' don't trust me enough? Fuck that, like seriously fuck that. _|_(OAO)_|_

What does that shows huh? Let me tell you. It simply shows:
A) They're tired of your emo-ing because you never change/understand.
B) They've no fucking idea how to fucking cheer you up.
C) They're seriously too fucking busy to be entertaining you.
D) That you seriously holds too much fucking pride that you look down on me just because I'm younger.

You see, I'll be a good guy today and shall educate you 'lesser adults' on why do people you go to come to me.
1) I am awesome.
2) I am trustworthy.
3) My words heal wounds just like how Jesus does his miracles.

I'm kidding. The real answer's here.
4) Because YOU, the problem 'adult', never learn from your mistakes despite hitting the wall gazillion times.

Not forgetting the fact that,
5) Because YOU, thinks that "Oh, a girl would probably be able to cheer me up more."
6) Because YOU, thinks that "You? Fuck off, you're just a kid who knows nothing."
7) Because YOU, thinks that "That kid will just look down on me when I approach him for help."
8) Because YOU, thinks that "Better not, later he start asking for favors just because I've gotten his help.

...Seriously, you think I would not think what you thinkers are thinking? Your pride... YOUR MOTHERFUCKING PRIDE. Just fucking throw them out of the window, you DON'T NEED so much pride! TOO MUCH PRIDE KILLS YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHITTY ADULTS.

GAH. The real problem is here on no.4, think about it AND I don't think I need to fucking explain that I won't do no.7 and no.8 either. Regarding to why people you trust approach me, the reason is simple. The answer is A,B, and C with no.1,2,3 and 4.

Also... Because they know I trust you and they trust me. But you on the other hand, doesn't know where to place your trust.

Fucking retards. Behave like a fucking adult that you're suppose to be.

=====================================

End of rant. Now, I seriously need sleep or I won't make it there on time. If I fail my BTE, I'll rant with a more wonderful selection of beautiful English vulgarities.

Nights.

Mahjong.

2011-02-09T00:43:00.000+08:00

Had a great mahjong session today!
Love it though I didn't really play much. LOL. It was always Hong Wei, Zhi Hao, Chan Yee and Ke Min. They are the one addicted to Mahjong!!!

Ying Ying and Wei Zhong were here too, but left early. The other 4 stayed to finish their game.
End up all 3 boys lose to Ke Min!!! Shocked. Because Zhi Hao is suppose to be the pro and best of the best among us. Hahaha!

Nothing much, but I learnt a lot of things with after meeting Henry.
he knows a lot of things and frankly speaking, my knowledge about anything is peanuts compared to his! Glad was able to meet him!

I shall stop here today, a fast one. Tired.
Later people~

Thinking.

2011-02-04T12:54:00.000+08:00

I've been doing some thinking on my own.

It dawn to me that all I really wanted is to help people, but in the process of doing so, I take no heed to my needs and wants. This in turn leads me off the track I am suppose to move on.

Since my encounter with a dear friend of mine, I embark on an impossible quest of chivalry and honor in this era, only to realize now that sometimes, the 36 Stratagems can get things done quick and clean - and I mean really clean. We don't have people who upholds such traits anymore. The men-in-blues uphold only the law, but in reality, they just slack around and write report then dump them one side. The SPF have shown us very clearly that unless you're someone big - and I mean really BIG, you can forget about any service from them.

The society is much harsher and underhanded in the sense that, backstabbing is now literally a frontal assault. Since it has all come down to this, why try be a knight-in-shining-armor and being made use by girls over and over again? Well, not only them actually but the society as well.

I am very much like Cao Cao in the sense that we both had no tolerance to betrayal.
Just that he have the power to execute people and I don't - I mean I can't, I lack the proper finance to do it cleanly. Anyone can do it, seriously. It's a piece of cake.

Till now, all my neglected needs and wants turned on me. I lost sight of what is important for ME. Lost sight of my vision and goals, lost sight of me, myself and I. I neglected myself too much, probably for the sake of others. I spend hours talking to people, consoling them and taking on their burdens, hoping to relieve them - which is successful because they felt relieve and great afterwards but hey! I don't. I indulge deeper, breaking up the problems into what causes them and why, like a mind-map.

It just happen. I've never realized what got me so interested in such issues. Never realized what make me wants to solve this puzzle and then break it apart again to further understand it.

I need some time for myself.
It really did become apparent that by helping others, I did not do myself a favor.
I am only being used, then toss aside once I 'expires'.
I need to pay more attention to my needs and wants.

To be honest, I am very tempted to go after you girl, all these while you've chosen the wrong men to go with and they betray you, thus hurts you deeply, these are feelings I understand. If I ever did stand any chances, it would be years back in those good o' secondary school days.
I ain't the kind of guy you like. Back then, I'm always waiting for you to see the right guy in me - something you probably never did and now, I'm simply tired. You already projects the feeling that you would come to me only when you needed something. Maybe you do so sub-consciously but only you would know that...

I'm all smiley and cheerful and all, but in reality...
I'm tired. The word FUBAR in German and American terms is such an understatement to what I am going through right now. I'm just... tired of it all. Relationships won't work out for me and I am pretty sick of it already, to go through the same ending all the time. I know there are times my methods are wrong, sometimes I were simply desperate. All these, after much analyzing and research, were caused by the fact I'm too selfless to the extent I forgo my needs and wants.

Only now do I understand the true meaning behind this phrase - "it takes someone selfish to be selfless." My recent activities with the Gekiken group have kinda leave some mark on simply how far I fell from where I was back then. There was never a rise, only a fall. My best days were still in my secondary school life, one you were part of. The day when I was introduced to you, the day we went out together and many more. Those days, you made me smile genuinely but now, that feeling's long gone.

I just ain't who I used to be.
I no longer smile the smile you loves.
I no longer laugh the laugh you loves.

Sorry. Throughout our long periods of radio-silence and a series of short burst communications, that Gary you knew, died on September 2010.

CNY FUN~!!!

2011-02-04T04:19:00.000+08:00

Oh crumpets~!!! I am enjoying my life too much to the extent I forgot about blog!
Sorry, really really really sorry to my fellow friends, relatives, family, girlfriends, wifes, scandals! (and in case you dont know, it's just a joke)

This year is on a different outlook I guess.
I never bought any new outfits to celebrate CNY. I am simply broke and even when my mum did gave me $50 bucks to get something, I rather keep it and get the glasses I need for my National Service.

Ang Pao, even when I just hold it, I know I ain't gonna get much this year. I won't even expect an above 90 mark. probably I just gonna get like, 60++ or 80++. Well, I guess that's pretty much better. I seriously need that money for the new glasses!!! Probably some contact lens so I may ~~seduce~~ sparkle people. :)

Remember the previous post I talk about having a bad dream?
Well, I'm back to tell the story.

It happened somewhere in the near future, when I was serving in the Navy. The Frigate I'm in, RSS Stalwart, was caught in the middle of an electromagnetic storm in the middle of the pacific ocean and BEHOLD, the sea splits and out comes giant walking mechas and slow flying humongous flying fortresses! The unknowns identify themselves to us as 'Watchmen' and destroys one of our ship in the fleet! The whole place was throw into panic and the captain immediately demands the whole fleet to retreat! Our ship were to be the rear guard. We fire our cannons and missiles, but they don't even scratch them! Finally, the sky fortress closest to us open it's frontal mouth and shot a pinpoint greenish beam and obliterate us! I manage to escape by jumping into the sea on time! Was hurl up by the Watchmen and brought forward to their king! BEHOLD.

Their king...

Looks like me. D:

That's where the dreams end. LOL!!!
I need to wake up at 9am tomorrow. I shall retire to my royal bed to get some royal slumber. NIGHTS.

Preparation for Chingay Booth and a horrible horrible dream.

2011-01-31T18:01:00.002+08:00

I woke up very early morning on the 30th of January 2011. For Gekiken of course.

Took the train to Toa Payoh and da! I receive a sms that says should we change the time to 3pm since it's still raining cats and dogs? I immediately reply back I'm on my way there already. So the meeting time resume at 11am. That's a lucky break.

Reach there at 10:30am and gosh my foot really hurts. Blisters everywhere and the shoe I'm wearing simply don't help. My old blister wound is still not healing and it hurts. I whip out my camera and start taking random shots until I spotted Shun Jing - Actually, she spotted me first since I can't see a thing without my specs on.

Greeted her, then talk for a bit. Then Kelvin arrived. He introduced himself to me since I didn't really know him! He must have joined during the time I left to focus on studies.

Then Jack arrived! We began briefing on the Chingay thingy. I shall not spill details here, but the one thing i can say is...

We are to fight in a 4m by 4m elevated stage.
THAT'S A SMALL SPACE!!! DANGEROUS!!!! Any of us who were use to moving around will find it hard to play.

When Greg arrived and others arrive too, we began practicing our footwork. Gosh it's tiring! Though it's raining and stuffs, I am actually sweating. Why? We're using our muscles to stand instead of the human skeleton. I can feel the cramp! BUT I PERSEVERED!!!

Sparring starts of with Greg VS Me.
It's usually asking for death when you fight against Greg. He's the undefeated champion! But this is needed to improve myself. I challenged him with the standard short cross pike, and face off with him.

Results is shown.

Number of headshots Greg did to me - Too many times.
Number of times I fallen out of the ring - 10.
Number of times I hit Greg - 3.
Number of times Greg hits me - Too many times.

See the difference in skills there!?
I am utterly trashed! But I feel that I improved a lot too. Especially since I am holding my ground more longer than the usual hit and run tactics.

When home when everything ended and I guess the two hour long bus trip simply shagged me out.
Got so tired and I immediately fell asleep at 5pm.

I woke up at 10pm. The shock. E_E
Came online and stuffs then rot around watching SRW and Wolverine. LOL.
Then collapse to sleep. LOL.
And now here I am. LOL.

Oh yeah, regarding the dream.
It was bad, but I shall state it next time. This post getting too long!

Later~

Forgive me.

2011-01-29T06:53:00.000+08:00

Forgive me for not blogging recently, for there is nothing interesting to blog about.

Went out with friends to catch the movie - Green Hornet. Well, it's practically an action+comedy film, and it was pretty decent. It was pretty late though, the movie started at 11:20pm. and by the time the movie ends, it was 1:21am.

We walked all the way to Bras Basah to eat though. Well, they eat, not me. All of them ate the same fish slice soup(literally direct translated from chinese) while I just drink soya bean.

While we're eating, an aunty approach us and ask for help, claiming she's homeless.
That.
Is.
One.
Thing.
I.
Can't.
Stand.
You have your hands and legs, and instead of begging around, go bloody find some work like a dishwasher or a cleaner or something! She's clearly still able to work at a hotel as a banquet crew. To top everything off, she just have to scold us fuckers when we rejected her advances. First, she begs with puppy eyes and when rejected, she scold us fuckers. This is the very first time I've seen such rude beggars. Most beggars I met are pretty well mannered. This one is too much.

We then head off to the nearby bus-stop to catch the NR home. Not my home, but Spidey's. There isn't any NR heading to anywhere near my house to walk. Not even Clementi and that's 3-5km away from my home. That's damn sad alright But once we reach Spidey's home, he showed me the show I wanted to watch. Actually, it's more of a movie - Batman under the Red Hood, and Warhammer Ultramarines. Both are darn nice movies, except the fact that the Ultramarines movie end up pointless as all 13(if I remember correctly) of them except 2 died. A large bulk of them died on the planet while trying to retrieve a sacred relic fallen into the hands of the Chaosmarines.

Well, I'll stop there. I shall not explain further. You people should go watch the two movies, they are very nice.

I am suppose to go out with a certain someone today but that certain someone made plans already! Well, it's ok. At least I did still go out rather than staying at home to rot, right? :)

On the brighter side, my weight drop from 79.5kg to 74.2kg. Pretty darn good improvement I say but not good enough! I need to hit the right weight of 71kg! That's the weight I should gain. My time in the Navy shall serve as building my body up. But that shall only happen if I could become an officer or a diver. We shall see where I end up. For all I know, I might end up as a shipboard cook or logistics! THE TWO WHICH I DON'T WANT.

Think it's pretty much time for me to go home. Yeah, actually, I should.
I am pretty darn tired after all...
I might sleep on my bus back but who knows? It's a long ride... A very long ride...
Later peeps.

My first new shoes for 2011!!

2011-01-23T20:08:00.000+08:00

AND YES.

MY WACKOMARIA X JUMP SERIES SNEAKERS HAVE ARRIVED. Taobao is extremely effective. It's only 8 days and it's here~! <3
Bought it at $70, including shipping. :)
Pictures are available on my Facebook Profile. Though the profile itself is a private one, that album is set so strangers can view that certain album. :)

Nothing much to post. In fact, maybe this.

I.
Am.
Lacking.
Sleep.

I AM PLAYING TOO MUCH GAMES!!!! D<
WHAT THE HELL!? I FINISHED COMPANY OF HEROES ON NORMAL DIFFICULTY IN UNDER 24HRS!? NO WAY!!! D<

THEN, NOW, HAVING JUST DOWNLOADED MASS EFFECT. I HAVE CLEARED 1/3 OF THE STORYLINE!!! D<

THISISNOTTHESPEEDISHOULDBEPLAYING.
I SHOULD BE PLAYING S-L-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-OW-L-Y...

Meh.

2011-01-19T23:41:00.001+08:00

I think I've taken things up a little too fast.
Played Company of Heroes just now to finish up the Allied Campaign. There isn't any challenging mission except holding Hill 162 and repelling the Axis Counterattack on it. Well, finished it and boy I was bored.

Haiz. I still can't believe I'm a Virgo now. I want to return to the Temple of Libra!!! (hahaha Saint Seiya talk)
I do not have the characteristics of a Virgo, so how am I suppose to except that? According to Christian, male Virgo are extremely rare and there's only 20% of them in the Virgo Population and that I am suppose to be good with ladies. So how come I keep getting played at in relationship?

Well, not that it really bothers me. I still consider myself a Libra Ram though. Once a Libra, forever a Libra! YEAH~!!!

I am thinking of going to start collecting those WW2 tank models once again! I just lack an air-tight display cabinet... I have a German Stug Tank, can't remember the scale but it's definitely not 1:1!!! If it's 1:1... I'll be a very happy man and Singapore Police Force will be a very angry group. :)

Perhaps, I am really helping others too much to the point I have neglected my needs and wants.
Maybe, I just don't have them right now?
I ain't very sure. But whatever it is, I should focus on the upcoming time in the Navy.

Libra... Now Virgo!?

2011-01-15T03:21:00.000+08:00

Things pretty fucked up now. My stomach still hurts. And now im a Virgo!!!

Have you guys heard about the new horoscope thingy?
Now there's 13!
And yes, I ain't feeling any better regarding my diarrhoea...
It hurts even now, and I do not have kaolin mixture with me...
Right now im at wheelocks' starbucks...
It hurts so much... Haiz... What a mistake not to bring that kaolin mixture!

I guess I shall be heading home now...

Sick, Sick, Sick,

2011-01-14T11:44:00.000+08:00

OH DEAR GOD!!! (any will do! Zeus, Buddha, Jesus, whatever!)

I DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH ANOTHER MUTATED GROWTH AND END UP AT 190CM!!!

QUICK MAKE THIS FEVER AND STOMACHACHE GONE!!!!! ;_;

Urgh... I'm too unwell to complain much... And off I go... To the toilet for the 3rd time now since 9am... ;_;

The Broken-Hearted and a little of me.

2011-01-13T02:29:00.000+08:00

Too many...
Perhaps a little too many heartbreaks and this is just the Start of the Year!

Indeed, I have been observing, doing my very own studies and research on love-life/relationships. First, from the reality. I've begun to notice ladies and gentlemen around Singapore to sport this sorrowful demeanor. Some were simply doing this just for the sake of being a scene-kid, while others were seriously depressed. Well, whether is it relationships issues or others, certainly, the air around this beautiful city had made a change for the worse.

Next, online. Facebook. Why?
Everyone's favourite, no? Each and everyone of you who posts your relationship status up with heads up high when it goes 'In a relationship with ______'. This year, there is a sharp rise in the number of people who previously was in a relationship, turned Single.

Well, Good luck.
Hope you people can recover from heartaches. I've overcome mine, and had now moved on happily.
I won't say there isn't any negative points to it though - I have raise my guard to women.

Yeap. Why you ask? Fantastic.
To be honest, when I was young. I am afraid of girls. Now? No. But because I trust too easily, I get ensnare by women all the time. Hahaha! Pretty pathetic for a guy right? I know these just-too-well. I still love girls, though. I'm straight - what else? I had to raise my guard. You could say I have been bitten too many times and have not learned my lessons yet. Well, you could also say that the reason I'm doing this is because I simply do not wish to be used by women again.

That's all for today. I wish everyone well.
Especially those studying in Universities in Australia, Italy, UK and USA... Away from their homeland - Good luck.

Personality Test?

2011-01-11T03:48:00.000+08:00

Well, I went ahead and do a certain Personality test. Strangely enough, I find this test very accurate as compared to many which claim to be able to find out for Personality.The below is the result I get! Here is the link if you wish to find out your Personality, http://www.personalitypathways.com/type_inventory.html

The Nurturer

As an ISFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you takes things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system.

ISFJs live in a world that is concrete and kind. They are truly warm and kind-hearted, and want to believe the best of people. They value harmony and cooperation, and are likely to be very sensitive to other people's feelings. People value the ISFJ for their consideration and awareness, and their ability to bring out the best in others by their firm desire to believe the best.

ISFJs have a rich inner world that is not usually obvious to observers. They constantly take in information about people and situations that is personally important to them, and store it away. This tremendous store of information is usually startlingly accurate, because the ISFJ has an exceptional memory about things that are important to their value systems. It would not be uncommon for the ISFJ to remember a particular facial expression or conversation in precise detail years after the event occured, if the situation made an impression on the ISFJ.
ISFJs have a very clear idea of the way things should be, which they strive to attain. They value security and kindness, and respect traditions and laws. They tend to believe that existing systems are there because they work. Therefore, they're not likely to buy into doing things in a new way, unless they're shown in a concrete way why its better than the established method.

ISFJs learn best by doing, rather than by reading about something in a book, or applying theory. For this reason, they are not likely to be found in fields which require a lot of conceptual analysis or theory. They value practical application. Traditional methods of higher education, which require a lot of theorizing and abstraction, are likely to be a chore for the ISFJ. The ISFJ learns a task best by being shown its practical application. Once the task is learned, and its practical importance is understood, the ISFJ will faithfully and tirelessly carry through the task to completion. The ISFJ is extremely dependable.
The ISFJ has an extremely well-developed sense of space, function, and aesthetic appeal. For that reason, they're likely to have beautifully furnished, functional homes. They make extremely good interior decorators. This special ability, combined with their sensitivity to other's feelings and desires, makes them very likely to be great gift-givers - finding the right gift which will be truly appreciated by the recipient.

More so than other types, ISFJs are extremely aware of their own internal feelings, as well as other people's feelings. They do not usually express their own feelings, keeping things inside. If they are negative feelings, they may build up inside the ISFJ until they turn into firm judgments against individuals which are difficult to unseed, once set. Many ISFJs learn to express themselves, and find outlets for their powerful emotions.

Just as the ISFJ is not likely to express their feelings, they are also not likely to let on that they know how others are feeling. However, they will speak up when they feel another individual really needs help, and in such cases they can truly help others become aware of their feelings.

The ISFJ feels a strong sense of responsibility and duty. They take their responsibilities very seriously, and can be counted on to follow through. For this reason, people naturally tend to rely on them. The ISFJ has a difficult time saying "no" when asked to do something, and may become over-burdened. In such cases, the ISFJ does not usually express their difficulties to others, because they intensely dislike conflict, and because they tend to place other people's needs over their own. The ISFJ needs to learn to identify, value, and express their own needs, if they wish to avoid becoming over-worked and taken for granted.

ISFJs need positive feedback from others. In the absence of positive feedback, or in the face of criticism, the ISFJ gets discouraged, and may even become depressed. When down on themselves or under great stress, the ISFJ begins to imagine all of the things that might go critically wrong in their life. They have strong feelings of inadequacy, and become convinced that "everything is all wrong", or "I can't do anything right".

The ISFJ is warm, generous, and dependable. They have many special gifts to offer, in their sensitivity to others, and their strong ability to keep things running smoothly. They need to remember to not be overly critical of themselves, and to give themselves some of the warmth and love which they freely dispense to others.

Jungian functional preference ordering:
Dominant: Introverted Sensing
Auxilliary: Extraverted Feeling
Tertiary: Introverted Thinking
Inferior: Extraverted Intuition

Spring Cleaning!

2011-01-09T10:58:00.000+08:00

Nope, not my house but Spidey's!

Cleared his store-room which was left untouchables for 10 years.
Clear part of his Kitchen and his Living room is now free from trash, props, materials, whatever.

I've played a major role in this... MAJOR ROLE...
I'm a pack-rat! I carefully packed his store-room up with things he wanted stored in!
The best things is this...

He gave me a shirt! Hohohoho~ A shirt with Japanese Gravure Idol - Aki Hoshino on it~ <3 <3 <3
Awww~ I just love her!
Maybe I should start fanboying over idols like her! But then again, it's gonna cost a bomb to get those fans stuff. Yesterday we did a lot of things though, and I will update later tonight(if I get back home!) alright? I'll explain in details, like a report. >:3

Suppose to go IKEA at Tampines now... BUT, I have two idiots who are sleeping in the living room now. One say give him 10mins(same old things since years ago), another say it's isn't fair because I slept for 1hr... But didn't he slept from 9:30am to 10:30am? Contradicting isn't it?

Sometimes, I don't get why people are like this.
If you can't stay awake and follow a set-plan, don't set them in the first place!
Why bother planning to go IKEA when in the end, you guys are just gonna KO and sleep?
THEY CAN'T EVEN FOLLOW THEIR OWN PLANS THEY SET!!!

Now, I question myself.
Are they really the people I respected? Maybe I should really start looking for other people to look up- oh wait.

I can look up to myself! Good plan! Boost self-esteem also! :D
Well, that's it for now. I shall go try waking the two idiots up. If they ain't gonna move, I shall just go home then. :)

Tiring.

2011-01-07T03:05:00.000+08:00

I've been following a set schedule for running. I am proud to say I've been running everyday from Teban Gardens Road to Vivo City and back. :)

And like what my cousin said, that's 10km!!!
Though I haven't been able to run the entire stretch to and fro without stopping. I only have 2++ months left before I enlist! I certainly hope I can enter the Naval Diver Unit!!! It as the toughest training among them! I can't be an Naval Officer because my qualifications limits it, which sucks - big time.

Oh well, I need to train more!
I have to wake up early later and head to Bukit Batok Driving Center to apply for Basic Theory Test.
For Cars though... I could not learn bike at the moment because of financial problems. This car license was sponsored by Uncle Jeff as my Christmas Present. I shall not fail him.
I shall pass it in one go!

This Saturday, looks like it's gonna be one hell of a fun time sparring again! Why Saturday? Chee Kiat had a chalet over at some place in East Coast Park. So this is going to be a Battle at the Beach!!!

The last time I had a Beach Battle was two years ago. It's hard to move around in the sand, I wasn't use to it! But for now, I believe I can manage. Only thing is the fear is back. I kept closing my eye when I was about to be hit! I need to spar with Greg and Jack more and receive more of his bashing to train my eyes not to close!

Haiz. My days are limited.
No, I am not dreading NS. I'm looking forward to it. But I just can't stand the thought of not being a Naval Diver or Officer and end up in Logistics or Chef... I just can't. <_<"
SO DEAR GOD(if there is any out there), THROW ME INTO NAVAL DIVER UNIT!!!! (prays)

Eat, Drink, Eat again!

2011-01-02T02:49:00.000+08:00

A supposed dinner outing turns two person drunk.

A dinner at Cineleisure's Shokudo ends up with us drinking at Club Romeo at Orchard Tower.

Now now I know that place ain't clean. There's a lot of 'pretty boy' in the club but hey, I'm there only because Takashi is treating us to 3 jugs of Foster beer! So yeah. I am rather semi-drunk because I kinda drink pretty fast. I finished 3 glasses while the rest did two or some one!

Takashi and Boss became drunk. I think they threw out after we went to Starbucks to slack. At least, today we get to meet up with Store-mando(commando's storeman) Takashi and NDU's Wenjie. LOL! Meeting the two most hilarious and hyper person in the group is always a good thing. :)

When we went to Starbucks , I had Dark Mocha Venti and shortly after, I have to leave the gang behind.

My cousin is fetching me for supper with the rest of the relatives!
Went to King Albert Park after fetching Kenji's dad at a certain place. Ate Macdonald and jeez, I don't really have the appetite with beer and mocha in my tummy.

Well, now im at home, I am full of energy, I can't sleep!
And I am suppose to wake up at 7am later because I'm going for my usual Sunday Genkiken session.
Yes, I resuming practicing with spear!

Well, I shall end here today with a very gentle song!

Love me Tender - Elvis Presley.
I just can't get enough of his heavenly voice. The King indeed.

Happy New Year!

2011-01-01T03:29:00.000+08:00

Hi people, this is Gary here wishing everyone, a happy and awesome new year!
If that applies to you, hooray~!!!

And for those who still can't get over... Here's a song specially for you.

Elvis Presley's Heartbreak Hotel. Remember, if you're feeling lonely, you can always go to end of Lonely Street and find this haven - for the broken-hearted.

Nah I'm just kidding! You can always come find me to just talk about stuffs. :)

ParaPara Madness!

2010-12-27T21:56:00.000+08:00

My new PC music folder is full of ParaPara songs!!!

I'm in the mood to D.A.N.C.E to the G.R.O.O.V.E!!!

Well, I can't dance though. Opps!

3/4 of the songs that managed to get transfered to my new PC consist of my ParaPara songs collection from ParaPara Paradise 1 to ParaPara Paradise 7!!!

ALL GOT TRANSFERED. There are some J-pop, C-pop, and E-pop... All the K-pop didn't make it. HAHAHA!!!!!

Christmas with a pinch of Sorrow

2010-12-26T01:03:00.000+08:00

It seems that this Christmas, many are left with emotional wounds that I believe shall not heal anytime soon.

I know I can't do anything to heal the broken-hearted, but I certainly can wish you all the best and advise you to stay strong.
Best of luck to you people, you people need it.

A New Challenge

2010-12-22T22:22:00.000+08:00

By now, those who are capable to view my facebook profile, should already know. But those who didn't, here's the news.

I won't be going to Pulau Tekong to become a soldier.
I ain't gonna be flying around in some jet fighter.
I ain't gonna become a man-in-blue, catching criminals.
I won't be fighting fire.
...
...

I am going to be, a sailor of the Republic of Singapore Navy.

N.A.V.Y.

I AM GONNA BECOME A SAILOR!!!

I'll be Enlisting on the 04 of March 2011.
I can't wait...

I CAN'T WAIT..!

I am going to start my training now since I have already graduated.
I shall devote all my time into getting ready for that glorious day.

Sorry!

2010-12-09T00:10:00.000+08:00

SORRY!!!

I have not been updating for the past few days, sorry yeah? Was pretty busy with stuffs such as planning how and where my current NEC desktop gonna be at when my new ACER Predator desktop arrives this Saturday!

Oh lord, I am so excited! I finally will be able to switch to a better computer for gaming! I will be able to play those games I missed out on! Not forgetting my fellow clan-mates in Battlefield: Bad Company 2! I'm coming back after all the action I missed out with you guys since Battlefield 2!

This ACER Predator ain't that good actually, but I am more than contented already.
"Be contented with what you have." This phrase is still ringing in my head every time I felt something isn't going the way I wanted it to be. I still remember your words.

Well, 3 more days.
Just 3 more days.

I gotta stay patient even though now I am drugged by impatience.
I CAN DO IT. JUST 3 MORE DAYS.

=======================

Dear NEC desktop,

You have served me loyally this 9 years. (You should have been dead 4 years ago) It's high time you should retire. I gonna give you the retirement(semi) you deserve. Though you maybe on loan to my younger bro(he's a com. killer, 2 of my desktop died in his hands.), you will survive because of the program I installed in you. If you ever decided not to serve him, please let me know, I'll gladly remove you and you will be able to enjoy a proper retirement.

From Gary, with love.

Fatigue.

2010-12-02T22:03:00.000+08:00

I had a problem.

And the problem is this - feeling tired.

For no apparent reason, I felt strangely tired despite getting sleep before 11pm yesterday night.

I woke up with aches all over my body for no apparent reason.
Wash up and quickly goes to school.

In school, everything's fine.

But on my way home, again - the fatigue kicked in.
It's just like that.

Maybe it's the long train ride home.
Or...
...Maybe it's the gloomy evening rain.

It could even be the daily routine that tires me out. I don't know. It's either that, or I'm thinking a lot again.

Whatever it is, I think I need a time-out...
...I can't get one though.

Reading for Thought: One-sided Love.

2010-12-01T19:24:00.000+08:00

I have something I would like to share with everyone who reads my blog.
A friend of mine had shown me this:

=======================

Reading for Thought: One-sided Love.

Hardly any other thing can bring up both extremes at the same time like love. It could be the source of immense pleasure or acute pain. Reciprocation makes lover the luckiest man in the world while non-reciprocated love could be source of all miseries. Love requires response and lack of it could bring up an ocean of sorrows.

Despite all these defining love could be a challenging task. It is not necessary that the love to be real has to be reciprocated. It is mostly one way traffic. True lover excels in giving not taking. True love does not ask for returns. Yet all said and done, when there is no response from the special one, it really hurts.

It is very difficult accepting the fact that your love is neither wanted nor reciprocated. It is even more hurting when not even a glance is awarded to your love. Yet people fell in love and fell head long into the ravine. Reason is that in love there is no choice. Everyone has a Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in him or her and when good overcomes the bad, love just dominates. Love is blind and when one falls in love the trust for the loved one is unblemished. Yet with such unblemished love, rejection seems very disappointing and leaves the lover heartbroken.

Love that is one sided, is nothing but like falling in love without realizing the consequences. Just like people wishing for the moon realizes that it can never be theirs. Depression will come but will be a passing phase only with the supreme glow of love quickly overtaking.

Yet there are certain inherent dangers in the one way relationships. One of the partners, who are not in love, might take advantages from the one who is madly in love. Worst part of it is that while exploiting the partner, they never feel guilty. Usually it is finance or physical advantages that are the motivators in such cases. It could be too late by the time the victim realizes that there has been a serious breach of trust.

Getting over the one way relationship could be essential but the million dollar question is how to accomplish the task. One of the best ways would be stopping thinking about the love. Remaining busy otherwise and doing things to keep the mind occupied would help. Wallowing in some type of self pity won’t help. Believing in one’s ability would be the surest way of getting out of the pit and refraining from making false commitments would be a step in the right direction.

===================

Credits to him and a certain relationship book because this section is extracted from there. :)

I hope this would help any of you who are stuck in such a situation. I believe this would help a lot of you could put in your effort into it.

On the side note, I darken my hair! Now, look at the red glow under the sun... >:D

Updates~

2010-11-30T22:17:00.000+08:00

First and foremost. I believe it's high time for me to change into a new blog name.

Dear readers, if you're still here. Congratulations.
If you're not, then too bad - I left plenty of information on where to get my new blog address though.

Well, first and foremost...
...
...
I'm dead tired and right now, I seriously just want to sleep.
I've gotten into a minor dispute with a friend today. I don't feel good, but nevertheless, everything's solved. For that I'm glad.
...
...
Secondly, I did colour on Nono's overly and unevenly bleached hair today.
Had to achieve Red.
After asking Christian and with some advices from Ms.Hong and Ms.Ang, I proceed with Loreal Majirel 6.66 with 9% peroxide on her roots. Process for 20mins and apply the same colour with 6% peroxide on her bleached hair. Process for another 20mins and proceed to wash.
Didn't get the results I wanted though she's pretty happy with her new hair colour so personally, I felt disappointed.
...
...
Thirdly, I took bus 30 home today.
The long ride in the rain with 'Godot - The Fragrance of Dark Coffee' playing on repeat is the perfect condition to fall asleep. Note that the music was edited by Hong Wei to include the sound of rain and a fireplace. These two addition makes the music perfect and thus, I fell asleep. I only woke up at West Coast Rd just pass West Coast Plaza.
...
...
And here I am, at blogging.
Had a lot going in my mind, but seriously, I am too damn tired of it all to give a damn about any.
If there is anything I would give a damn about now, it would be money.
I seem to lack money no matter how much I try to save.
It's completely bullshit with a pinch of salt - hoping it would taste better despite knowing it ain't gonna work out.
...
...
My English ain't improving. I need to read more text. Strangely enough, newspapers doesn't help me improve at all.
Well, I need sleep. I seriously need it.
Tsk... Looks like I'm gonna sleep before 11pm - like I always do during secondary 1.
So goodnight, sweet dreams,
my dream land here I come,
to live the dreams in that dream-filled world.

A moment back in time.

2010-11-27T01:09:00.000+08:00

It felt just like that.

It seem just so right to be with Ying Ying, Zhi Hao, and Hong Wei again.
Not forgetting Wei Zhong and Zhi Jie. I might not be so close to them in primary school but recently it sure gotten better.

Yes, all these people are my primary school friend. In fact, Ying Ying, Zhi Hao, Hong Wei, are my childhood friends.

We all gathered for dinner and had a great time talking about just about anything.

Our discussion and chit-chat session varies from studies and what are we doing now, to history of nations like Japan, then technology of the current world and politics, then religion. We can talk about anything under the sun. Everything just feel so right. I really feel like myself with them.

I really enjoy such gathering.
I think only through such outings I can breakaway from the stresses of life.

YING YING. I WANT READ THOSE HISTORY BOOKS!!!!!!!!! ;_;
It's TREASURE, in my eyes! ;_;

I.MUST.READ.THEM.

LOL!

Everything's fine... Really?

2010-11-25T22:54:00.000+08:00

It's been 3 days.

This is the third day. I have not attend school since the day that coughing blood incident took place.
Though my MC warrant me a 2-day break, on the third day, I still feel tired and the feverish. Thus here I am, stuck at home, resting the whole freaking day.

I need to go to school tomorrow no matter what.
I don't care if I gonna puke blood or puke my breakfast out. I just want to finish school ASAP, and prepare for NS.

Blood.

2010-11-23T14:05:00.000+08:00

Cough out blood this morning when I was climbing down the stairs of my HDB flat.

Almost immediately, I felt weak and my legs give way... Luckily, I held onto the railings and manage to land on my butt first.

Cough more and more, so head back home and went to the washroom straight.
Kept coughing until I kinda fall asleep back in my room.

Now, I need to go see doctor and figure what the fuck is going on.

The way things work out.

2010-11-22T23:52:00.000+08:00

It's so true now.
To have the girl love you, you have to be a bad man/boy/guy.

I had a talk with some people recently. Yes, completely random strangers.

One such, was at a certain Starbucks on a certain day, this girl - age 19, asked if she could share a table if there isn't anyone I am waiting for. I look up, and simply smile and nod my head in approval.

She's here for studying, so I clear away the square plate that was on the table and move my stuffs to a corner. All was quiet till her pen ran out of ink. I dig my vintage sling-bag for a pen and pass it to her.

"Go ahead and use it." I said.

"Thanks, this save me from making a wasted trip here!" She says.

She ask for my name and resume her studying. I kept quiet and enjoys the peace. Not long after, she stops whatever she was doing and simply gave the most random and, to some people, insulting question.

"Are you gay?" She says.

I gave her a - D: - look. I took me awhile to process what she said and retaliates with:

"Yes, I am a very happy(gay also meant happy) man."

She giggled and replies: "No, I am serious. Are you gay?"

Me: "Yes, for the second time, I am a very happy man. And no, I am not a gay. I am in fact, very straight too. Why you ask?"

She: "It's because you men will take such chances to hook us ladies up right?"

Me: "Damn right. That applies to every man in this world except me. Ladies hook themselves to me! Haha!"

Conversation ensued and everything was fine and normal strangers' talk until her phone rang.
When she look at the phone, her face was literally beaming with light and happiness. She excuses herself politely and went out of Starbucks to answer the call.

30mins later. I had finished my Dark Mocha Frap. I laze around on my seat after throwing the empty plastic away. She came back at the 35mins. When she sat down, she remained dead quiet for 2mins before I ask if she's alright.

I asked the wrong question.
Overwhelmed by sadness, tears flow out of her pretty face. She's crying, but silently. I can imagine the pain she is feeling. I had no tissue with me, so I simply improvised and use the extra pieces I had from Starbucks. I pass it to her and after a good 10mins of silent crying. She wrote on a piece of paper.

And this is what was written in there:

"I had a boyfriend. I love him very much. But our distance seems to be increasing despite going through many ups and downs. Day after day, it gets harder to contact him. He always isn't free. Our anniversary, which is today, he promised he would come study with me, but when he called just now, he was at somewhere quiet. I heard another girl's voice calling him dear. I am sure she is addressing my boyfriend as dear because I can hear her voice so clearly as if she's beside the phone."

When I read that, I let out a sigh and wrote:

"I guess you confronted him?"

She looks at my reply and wrote:

"Yes, and he scolded me for it and even said that if I can be with other guys, why can't he be with other girls? But I never go out with another guy alone! I do everything for him... I pay for his bike when he is temporary out of job, I cook his favorite omelet rice for him whenever he wanted, I devote myself to him... Why does it turn out this way?"

And it goes on and on. I can't exactly remember anymore.
But there was at one point, when I told her not to think too much and have faith, her boyfriend smsed her saying he wanted a break up. Just that sms alone, she cried for a good 20mins. When she's done with her crying, I told her I would wish to understand their relationship more. I then spend 40mins listening to her.

It seems that she knew he's like this, yet she...
When she ask me what to do, I asked: "Why would you love someone who does not appreciates you and treat you like a trash?"

She look at me bewildered, maybe it's because of how serious I sound. She simply gave me: "I don't know..." for an answer.

Yes, I facepalm-ed myself and sigh. I then ask if she would listen to what I have to say. Surprisingly, she agreed. So I gave my usual advices and about loving the wrong guy and blah blah blah, lalala, aye aye aye, lu lu lu, leh leh leh and many other stuffs.

Even though I knew she's listening, she ain't convinced. She's trap by the chains of that relationship to a guy that don't love her. She end up crying after I finished everything. Seeing as how broken she is now, I offered to send her home and she agreed. Took the train towards the North, alight and even send her all the way to the doorstep of her home.

Outside her house, she politely thank me and ask for my phone. I gave her and she press her numbers into it and save it under her name.

She: "Thanks for being a good listener and a nice stranger. If you do not mind, I hope we could be friends."

I simply smile at her and gave her a gentle pat at her head before she went into her house.
When she did, I left the area.

On my way home, I look at the number again begins to think about her case.
Many weird stuffs keep popping out. I kept getting answers everywhere and I finally collapsed back home completely shagged out.

I receive my breakthrough last Friday, when I asked Christian to read my fortune via his Tarot cards. At one point, during the tarot reading, I mentioned about relationships and since he knew what I've been through, he gave me the answer I am looking for.

Ok, this might come across as arrogant...
The answer is - It's because I am too perfect of a boyfriend, that is why, all my ex-girlfriends is unable to love me since I am without a fault. I would never hit them, flare up at them, shoot vulgarities at them, abuse them and stuffs. But still, perfect? No, I am not. I ain't rich. I ain't got the sexy and fit body all girls dreamed their boyfriend to have. Neither do I have the looks nor the intellect. So why perfect?

I am still very confused.
End of the day, this is the closest answer I could get.
And frankly speaking...

...
...
I had no idea on how am I suppose to find a fault with myself to make a girl love me.

Where I belong.

2010-11-18T23:48:00.000+08:00

It just feel so right, to be doing colouring again.

I coloured Didi's hair and it turns out fine! Using 6.45 I manage to get to the colour he wants.

I am just lucky I guess. I can't get overconfident again.

Tomorrow's the lab's commercial service.
I hope I get to do some decent haircuts.
I need to refresh those skills urgently.

Band of Brothers.

2010-11-17T22:03:00.000+08:00

Yeah, I re-watched the entire series on my computer today.
Band of Brothers is a really good show.
God, I can't believe I nearly tear up at those touching/sad moments.

There is so many things I wanted to say about the show, but it just made me speechless in awe!
Great show, certainly a great show!

========================

Everyday, as I glance at the figurine of the Gold Saint - Scorpio Milo from Saint Seiya series, I would think about how great it was during the time when the bonds between the members of the team were so great.

Now, looking back at those past glories, I can't help but to feel that, it's gonna happen to the current group I am in now. Is there anyway I can prevent those kids from becoming like what we seniors became? The original team dissipated because of some minor disagreements and some political issues.

Let just hope it won't happen.

...
...

Also, I think it's due time for me to get on the Saint Seiya Project. I don't think I want to wait around anymore.

Changes.

2010-11-16T21:00:00.000+08:00

Yup, major changes.

I won't be working at Next Salon for my attachment anymore.
Got called back to school to have my attachment there.

Now, I have to reach school everyday at 8am. Must do one client per day.
Chemical days are Tueday and Friday.
The rest, are for simply haircut, wash and blow-dry, and other stuffs.

Just two more weeks till the end of hell.
I can make it.

===============================================
男人不坏，女人不爱。

I still don't get it - Why would girls loves to be with bad men and boys?

It's always like this. All my 7 ex-girlfriends did the same.

Break up with me, get a new boyfriend within a week/month's time, to a guy that would shout at her and giving love that never existed. I don't get why they can't see that they are just being treated like a trophy, I don't get why they can't see that they are being played a fool, I don't get why they can't see that them boys are out there just to get their dicks some satisfaction.

Well, so far, all 6 of them had been 2-timed, gotten laid and abandoned. The 7th one most probably won't get laid because it's another LDR after me. Well, not that all of them were any of my business anymore.

I just have to face it I guess. Girls do like bad men and boys.
Now I wonder what makes me change from a bad boy to someone I am now? Ah yes, I remembered. It's for the 5th - Though she end up breaking my heart and loving a complete 2-timing bastard. I was so lost during that period of time. Luck was with me, I did not revert back to my old self. Again, none of my business.

I ever thought about becoming a bad boy once again. I end up slapping myself awake.
Why goes through all these trouble for them? Moreover, no one wanted to see my dark side. I vowed never to return to who I was back then. And

Well, as the above stated, 男人不坏，女人不爱。
And for those poor people who can't understand Chinese, it meant 'A girl will not love a guy who ain't bad.'
I already have two female friends caught up in this situation.

Well, both of them are just too mesmerized by the guy they like. The difference is that one of them knew that guys simply wanted her as a 2nd girlfriend while already having a girlfriend. While the other do not seem to be able to see that her infatuation over the other guy cannot end unless she wakes up.

And worse of all, I knew I can't help them. They are too poisoned by sweet words and actions of their predators.

If only my words could carry more power in them...
If only so... Haiz.

Chemicals.

2010-11-15T01:30:00.001+08:00

You can smell me from miles away!

I literally smell like a bad concoction of peroxides and perming lotion!

Assisted Brian the most today.
and is dead tired now.

Nights.

Rage.

2010-11-13T00:01:00.000+08:00

I've been raging too much.

To the extent I take everything, be it good or bad, right or wrong, up and into the fire.

I just need a break. I dearly needs one.

I have to reach workplace by 10am tmr. I need to sleep early.
I need to sleep.

Rant no. 12837691046134

2010-11-12T01:19:00.000+08:00

I guess I am still very much hated.
Looks like there isn't really any way left.

Maybe this is for the better.
I thought you would want me back at least as a friend, that is why there is this friend request you sent.
Then...
After I accepts it on Facebook, I was deleted from your list almost immediately.

I am seriously confused.
I felt seriously insulted.

Is that suppose to be a childish prank or what?
This simply changes my views of you.
To even decide to pull such stupid stunts.

Whatever man.
Just keep getting used by YPs because I don't care anymore.
You're just the same as the previous 6 blind.

Yes. I don't care about you anymore.
Your feelings,
Your problems,
Your life.

I shall just Fuck off, even from the shadows.
*runs across the bridge and blow it up*

=====================================

For the first(maybe second or third) time in my damn life, I just want to say...

Fuck.My.Life.

It's an overused word but I don't give a fuck.

Bad events happening when it's currently most 'important' period of my time.

Mom get sick and I couldn't go work.
Smsed a friend to relay message hoping to save phone prepaid value goes awry.
Smsed in the morning and I get a reply in the night!?
Just what is the phone for!? _|_

Hell yeah. I am fucking pissed.
Salon asking us to buy equipments for training purposes.
But heck, I can't afford to waste my pay that I am getting for this IA for anything! They goes to my debt that I owed Singtel!

)&%($^%*#!)#^)&*@$%)!%)*$_&^&*)%)!$_!@$^%&*()&@%!_&^&$^%*$%^#!#@)$^)

===============

At this point. I am already calm.
The above ^(%)&% you saw, was simply me raging then deleting my paragraphs.
Yeah.

Critics from a Hairstylist.

2010-11-10T22:46:00.000+08:00

Because of Hairstylist Wallace, my model for hairwash practice today,
under his strict guidance and critics, I finally got hold of...

1) The strength I need to exert.
2) The area my fingers should cover.
3) Tips on how to keep the massage smooth.

Thanks to you, I felt a bit more confidence in my skills. I will definitely improve more and more.

...
...
Because I need to.

I have a lot of things I do not know. I had made myself forget what the school teaches reason being:

1) So that I can start afresh, like a baby learning how to crawl then walk.
2) Starting with a fresh and empty mind enables easier learning.
3) I will be able to adapt to the salon's system more easily.
4) Whatever I learnt previously will not come into use and obstruct my means of learning new things.

For now.
My top 3 priority in my life is...

1) Knowledge.
2) Money.
3) Money.

Others priorities like lifestyle and such can simply rot and burn in Hell for all I care.
Wonder why I had my 2nd and 3rd priority stated as Money?

Money is evil, so why?
Money can't buy you things like Love, Friends, Families, and such but Money can buy you most of the things you need.

The things I WANT is not the things I NEED.
And the things I NEED is things I REALLY NEED, badly.
Shit. How the heck am I suppose to get the money to spend on equipments!?

Sick at the wrong time.

2010-11-07T00:37:00.000+08:00

It's the wrong time.
It's the wrong day.

I felt really sick and wasn't able to move around this morning.
So I close my eyes and slept again.

Little did I know when I wake up, I cannot make it in time to visit the polyclinic. Now I can't get my MC and tomorrow Olivia's gonna screw me up down left right for not being able to produce a MC for her to certify I AM sick, even when I AM sick.
Wasted trip. I felt like vomiting out just about anything that's in my tummy throughout the ride to the polyclinic and back home.

Reach home, I went to sleep, and now, I'm awake!
Not feeling any better. It's this hard to just even think.
Worse, tomorrow's work - gotta reach at 10am.
I should just go back to bed, or I'll never make it there.

Wait, will I even make it there in one piece in my current situation?
We'll see... We'll see...

Nights.

Missing updates.

2010-11-06T01:24:00.001+08:00

Sorry for not updating my blog yesterday!
I just got so tired that I came home, online for a short while then retire to bed.

I'm gonna do the same thing now.
Tired.

On the bright side, I get to shampoo wash 2 clients, and did many assists on technician and stylist side.

Tired.

Tomorrow shall be even more tiring.
Give me strength,
My love.

My Resolve.

2010-11-03T22:37:00.000+08:00

What's my Resolve?
It's not strong enough!

I am not that determined! I still let the past affect my work! I still let my mood affect my work! I still let Reuel and others affect my work! I can't afford to break now! I can't afford to fail now!

I need to get things right back!
I mean, hey, WHAT IS THIS!?

I lost concentrations to a few distracting insulting taunts and some bloody jokes!
That damn boy who can't speak properly shouldn't affect me!
That assistant shouldn't affect me too!

But why!?

My Resolve ain't strong enough!

STRONGER...
I NEED TO GET STRONGER!!!

I can't screw up if I ever want to be accomplished.
Please, get out of my mind!
You motivates me, yes.
But you too distracts me!

Just get out. Please.

Are you happy now?

2010-11-03T01:27:00.000+08:00

I know I no longer stand any chances of winning you back.

Those cold messages said so.
I don't fight battles that I know I already lost...

Still, in every defeat, lies sorrow and pain.

Pain is when I see that he already asked you to be his girlfriend, and when he can make you miss him so much - which I can't.

Sorrow is when I look through the pictures, I saw you wearing our couple necklace, and when I know that no matter how much I fixed that broken necklace of mine, it just breaks the next day.

No, not because I do not know how to fix(I am a props-maker!). I am very sure I fixed it the right way.
It just won't stick back. There are times when wearing the necklace, the gem on it falls off. I would goes on my knees trying to find that blue gem. Not because it's worth money, but because it's a couple necklace, it represents our bond and it should never be broken.

Funny...

I never thought I will cry because of the past again...
I seriously need to get the facts right - that you will never want me back into your life again...
What is wrong with me..?
Why can't I just accept it..?

This is gonna affect my progress tomorrow at work...

I miss you so much, even now.

Work Work~! Day 2!

2010-11-03T01:02:00.000+08:00

Ain't half bad.

Reuel is up to his usual 'Im-the-best-and-you-all-are-junks' attitude.
Which resulted him to lead Chee Yang the wrong way and thus got lost.
If Reuel could have lower his pride to follow me, someone he don't consider a friend, a little, he would have reach the salon safe and sound without having to spend money on a cab after realising he is lost.

Well, he's rich, so yeah.
May the heavens one day strike him with bad karma and thus caused his death by stupidity.

That aside, I manage to rinse 3 clients' hair!
Was given the opportunity when 1, was assisting Sharol(?), and when 2, was assisting Edwin twice!
Other than that, I just does the normal stuffs. Stand by at one side and tries to read the other stylists.

Jerry, is super hard to read.
Thus, I made a deal with myself - I shall master the ability to read the cold and serious Jerry before Day 20!

I know I can do it.
*pat myself at back*
Good Job!

Also, we are required to be able to shampoo hair the Next Salon way by this Saturday.
Quite a rush ain't it? It's gonna be hard. Holland V.'s Olivia's had more steps and we MUST master it. Ion Orchard's Olivia's only have 4 steps.

Well, doesn't matter.
I shall learn from both.
Then...
Master them all and create my own style!
...
...
Today, I saw a girl that look just like you.
At first, I thought you came to Singapore.
But then again, it's not possible.
You will never be able to come here right now.
I guess, it doesn't matter anymore whether I care or not.
I do care, and all I care about now, is your happiness.

Work Work~

2010-11-02T00:05:00.000+08:00

Today's my first day in Next Salon @ Ion Orchard.

Probably my last day too, since tomorrow I will be posted to Next Salon @ Holland Village because I'm living in the West, along with Chee Yang and Reuel. Hilary stayed at the East, but have access to direct bus services to Holland Village and thus was posted along with us.

You know. At first, I was heck of the nervous.
Then, after tons of washing fellow students' hair, and learning Next Salon's trademark hair wash and massage techniques, everything just blend in.

I started to sweep the floor, keep magazines, assist. I didn't get the chance to serve beverages to customers though.

All in all, it's all good. But I can't keep my guard down.
Tomorrow will be at a new place.

I must do my best.

Work hard, harder, hardest.
Be the best of you can, Gary!
The fate of your future lies in your hands now!
Make sure you're up to standard so they will want you back.

Once again, thank you, for appearing in my dream when I dreaming about being pulled off by some invisible demon down endless flights of stairs, and when I was feeling bored and stuffs at work. You appeared in my thoughts and lit my fire to work and turns my nightmare to sweet dream.

You know who you are...
Thank you.

Open mind.

2010-10-30T01:45:00.000+08:00

How open-minded are you?

I am constantly face with the challenge on the degree of openness you can keep with people.
And of course, I do realise that how open-minded you are depends on who you're with.

I mean, you certainly don't go around strangers and act as if you're close friends and start sprouting some dirty jokes and stuffs, right?

There's a limit to everything and limiting your openness to simply your inner circle of friends is the ideal choice. When I mean inner circle of friends, I don't mean all your friends.
Selectively, I would say, those handful whom which you can trust and depend on - friends you know that even when they do you injustice, they will apologise and change for the better.

But then again, when you're too open-minded, even the closest of friends will get irritated by it.

Perhaps, I should never be so open-minded in front of my friends.
Some had voice their displeasure and some even retorted with hostility.

Maybe, I never had any inner circle to begin with.

Gary, there, you screw up once again.
But it's alright. Keep on going and don't let this setback stops you from moving on forward.
March on,
The Promised Land,
Awaits you.

Tell me what should I do?

2010-10-29T00:31:00.000+08:00

If there is a God, or even a Devil,
please tell me what can I do and what should I do.

Was I wrong?
Wrong that Nigel is the Mr.Right for her?

I guess I was really wrong.

So dear God & Devil, I know I am very confuse...
I am confuse as to why, she can never be happy with the guy she wanted to love?

I know at least, that for my part, I am to be blame.
I should not resort to lies as a way to form a bond.
I have been a pathetic boyfriend for her.

But at least, I really tried and---
...
...
I shall not continue.

At least, she seem to have made up with him and they seem to be at peace again.
I shall keep my intentions hidden.
Well, dear God,
If you ever exist, please bless her with fortune and happiness that she always wanted.

And yes, I can't deny it.
I've moved on, but my feelings won't change until she gains her true happiness.
Neither will I get into another relationship,
nor I accept Love back into my life.
Not till the day,
my last romance gains her true happiness.

For now, Gary.
Look forward and stop backtracking. You've been backtracking too much.
No matter how tough it is to walk forward, you have to.
I am begging you, don't stop, don't turn back.
Just move forward...

Graduated lor~!

2010-10-27T20:54:00.000+08:00

Babaaan~!!!

"ORD LOR~" Is something that pathetic boys who see NS as a waste of time shout in tears for finally regaining their freedom.

"Graduated lor~!!!" Is something that happened as of today for me! :)
I've successfully graduated from my course, Hair Fashion and Design.

Now, I have one more huddle to overcome.

My IA.

If I screw this up, this graduation will be useless.
I cannot afford to get fired.
I need to work hard, work harder, and work the hardest.

I NEED TO SURVIVE!

JUST.ONE.MORE.MONTH.TILL.I'M.FREE.

I can do it.
Just like today,
Even without my parents' or friends' support,
I manage to make it this far.

I know I can.
And thank you, for giving me the motivation I needed.
You know who you are, girl.
I don't have to say. You made me work hard when my flame died.
Thank you.

Wake up.

2010-10-27T00:00:00.000+08:00

I need to snap out of my current sorrowful/pitiful mood.
I need to do so.
I MUST do so.

===== Gary's inner theater =====

Dammit.
Don't go emo-ing on me again, Gary.
You promise yourself to live your life to your very best, so emo-ing is out of the dam fucking question.
DON'T.GO.THERE.
You're just gonna hurt yourself more.
Prioritize yourself over others - even the girl you love.
If you don't, you're not going to be the best you can be.

Come on,
NO pain, NO gain!
PUSH.PUSH.PUSH!

I.CANT.GO.ALL.EMO-ING.NOW.

Graduation Hair Show is TOMORROW.
Get out of your emo-ish mood, now - and keep out, forever!
You love the girl right? Then fucking let go.
She ain't happy with you and you know there isn't any point in going on when she can never be happy!
You know this! You know this!
You told thousands about this, and NOW, please do what you preach!

Wake up and smell the ash of reality.
Don't go feeling emo, now's not the time and there never was a time for emo-ing.
Be strong and walk on.

DASH! FULL SPEED AHEAD.
You have to fucking get over this huddle, or you're just gonna screw the hair show!

Get over it...

NOW!

Horrible Day!

2010-10-26T23:21:00.000+08:00

I thought my watch could last at least 3 months...
IT JUST BROKE THIS MORNING, 9:30am!!!

I simply can't believe it. 10 bucks fly away like this. It purely sucks to be me at that moment.

Well, can't be helped.

Oh yeah, I manage to reach school at 6:45am!
Surprise Surprise!
I was the first STUDENT to step into the school. <_<"
It's nothing to be proud of, and I certainly don't wish it to happen again.
Nothing's available at that time.
No food, no coffee, no snacks!

NOTHING.

Today's all about rehearsal for tomorrow's graduation hair show.
It's gonna be epic but hey,
I am not looking forward to it.

This event is brought together with a lack of management so obvious that it's captain obvious.
This ain't like a hair show anymore,
It's more like a parade now. <_<"

Well, I don't have much say.
Small fry like me are meant to just sit back and let the adults do their job.
So yeah.
Gotta sleep early, then wake up at 4am to get ready!
Gotta catch my first bus at 5:34am!

It sure sucks when you do not have parents to drive you around.
It sure sucks when you do not have a car/motorcycle license.
It sure sucks when you CAN drive/ride but you're without a license and the vehicle.

Haiz.
I am still waiting,
For something to happen.
Something that I can celebrate about.
I shouldn't have compromise things to make it work out right.
It simply backfired so badly, that I am left without a chance.
I look back now and I see it.
I see it, the foolish me.
I still love you, so will you love me back?

Time is on my Side once more.

2010-10-25T22:33:00.000+08:00

I finally, finally gotten a watch.

Yes, a watch. I needed one so badly because it's bothersome to look at time from your phone.
Having one at your wrist is so convenient. Now, I won't do embarrassing acts of bringing my wrist up to look at time when I do not have a watch.

Now, I am just glad to have a watch.
Time is on my side once more!

No, it's not something expensive. I got it for 10 bucks.
I don't see the need for me to own good Brands/Series like Criteria, Rolex, French Connection, or whatever. I'm a guy. I just need a watch that can follow me through my endless journey.

This is my last week of freedom before I start working at Next Salon in Ion Orchard.
It's not going to be easy, but I won't break, I won't fall, I won't give up.

The days ahead will be rough, as the end of my teenage life approaches, the start of my adult life will begin.

So what do I truly want?
Perhaps, money.
Perhaps, love.
Perhaps, just...
Someone who can truly understand me.

No. It's Impossible.

2010-10-24T22:21:00.000+08:00

How the heck am I suppose to reach ITE-CE by 7:30am when my first bus starts at 6am!?
Impossible, Impossible, Impossible.

True Feelings.

2010-10-23T02:31:00.000+08:00

I know whatever I said now is nothing but lies to you.

But there is just 3 words that I'll never lie to you.

They are - I Love You.

And I seriously do.
Even if you never intended to return to my side,
please believe,
that I truly love you.

Thanks.

PSI: 108

2010-10-21T21:47:00.000+08:00

Seriously.

PSI: 108.

As if Singapore ain't polluted and warm enough, here comes the famous Haze from our very own neighboring country ________.

PSI: 108 is seriously fucked up man!

Guess what? I went for an interview at Next Salon located in Ion Orchard. Boy, that feeling ain't good. I felt the stress the moment I walk in.

Interview ended and I quickly go back home.

On the train home, between Clementi and Jurong East, I could see Teban Gardens... HIDDEN IN THE HAZE. Oh jeez. In my mind I was thinking, "That's the worse, I am actually going into that shit?"

Too much. Just too much.

Pretty soon, I'll have to wear a mask and go out now. *curses*

Graduation, in a week's time.

2010-10-20T22:18:00.000+08:00

Yeah, it's in a week's time.

Luckily, I have already finish the photoshoot for my model today.

Reach school at 8am, model arrives at 8:30am.
9am starts my hair up, finish by 9:30am.

I know I may sound like a pro, but no. I'm not. In fact, I ain't good at Creative Hair Designs.
It's just... No.
No. It ain't great at all.
Moreover, the photoshoot starts at 1pm.

I ended up rotting in the basin area, helping out one of my junior participating in the photoshoot with some of his troubles, walking around, and sleeping.

So I end up slacking my way through.

And yes, I got so tired, while on my way home on the train, I keep wandering into dreamland.
In my dreamland, I kept dreaming about how it would be like to be living a life of an adult with a certain someone.

Though, that's an impossible thing right now.
I have to move on.
I must move on.

Funny thing. I reach home, I showered and tried to sleep.
All in vain.
I can't sleep. Something kept me awake. Maybe it's those dreams I had.

So I went down to the nearby optician to get my eyesight check once more.
My previous record was R: 75 L: 50
My new record was R 200 L 225

OTL.

This sucks. How did I get so bad?
I should stop wearing specs. I want to try contact lens. But they're too expensive for now.
I am penniless.

Blog's Birth

2010-10-19T19:40:00.000+08:00

Well, here it is.

My new blog.

This time, I keep it simple.
Kinda gain a liking to simplicity. My life became so complicated before and now, I simply wish to keep it simple and easy. So I guess a new blog like this helps a lot.