Kiss You Goodbye

I can't sleep.

So I've decided to come here and after thinking for a short while,
I think it's time to end this blog.

Yes, I'm scuttling this blog.
Years of memories.
Years of joy and pain.

With friends, family and lovers.

I shall start a new one to replace this, but I might make it private.

Access to only me, myself and I.
Or maybe a few selected guest.

Shall try to add self taken photos to every post. 

Need to catch up on my photography skills after leaving it to rot since 2010.

"Thus I shall seal you away,

into the oblivion,

never to rise,

never to harm,

never to cry.

With a Kiss Goodbye,

dearest memories,

of times so happy,

of times so painful,

sleep - till the end of time."

You.

Seriously? Look at you.

Pathetic.

Fat.
Useless.
Weak.

Idiot.

Screw up.

Failure.
Weird.
Sick.

Awkward.

Just how long are you going to let these words run through your mind every single night?
Isn't it enough?

"Yes, I had enough. But when I kept telling myself to gather my bits and pieces back, it ain't working."

Then what? Give up? Let it ruin your life?
Christmas is fast approaching. Are you going to let down the people who trust you again?

Are you going to just let it go and run away?

Please get your act together. Don't let failures and insult get the better of you.
You are way stronger than that.
You weren't like this.

"I've changed. Changed for the worse."

Don't give me that. Come on. Pull yourself up.
Whatever happened to the code of conduct?
To your code of Chivalry?
To your code of Honor?

You. Yes YOU.
WAKE UP.
WAKE UP BECAUSE NOW, YOU AIN'T YOU!

Doubt.

Myself, where have you gone?

Doing things I never would do.
Saying things I never would say.
Thinking things I never would think.

I'm just not myself.
I've gotten insomnia.

I've lost my fitness.
I've gain weight.
I've lost my confidence which I fought so hard for.

Whatever happened to me? I look back now and I realize I was so much happier and carefree.
I had wings then, my wings of freedom.

I was happy I've finally gotten to serve my NS. But atlas, things don't seem the way it do. The way people lied, the things people do just to cover their tracks of their wrongdoings. The way people detest you for simply trying your best.

I constantly dive back into those days, wondering what when wrong.
I can simply put the blame on the people, but that's just downright unfair.

They are things that I cannot change. So I look further back.
There, I found truth.

I'm too eager, too trusting.
I open up too easily, and they abused it.

I can only blame all this on myself.

Because I am the one cause of my weakness.
I am my own enemy.

Time really flies.

FUCK IT. I type an entire essay over here and it just fucking disappear! This is a re-type.

As of today, I'm no longer part of IMOS. I'm no longer an OJT trying to pass his assessment. It's good-bye my beret, hello my ball-cap.
I've graduated.

I no longer need to return to IMOS. I can no longer see my entire 1/11 batch-mates anymore as each and everyone of us is doing our vocation on board different ships in different bases. I'm now a posted crew of RSS Sovereignty.

Everyone seems happy they graduated. The 'Two Months of Mental Hell' is finally over! Somehow, it's never over for me. Even when I'm graduated officially already, there's still so much more to learn. I still can't properly execute a full day QM duty and I still can't understand everything there is to FFDC. These are just the side 'quests' I have yet to complete.

There's still my NVS duties. I still can't single-up for ops, I still can't handle the multi-tasking required for NVS ops. Why? I don't know. I kept trying. I even go as far as role-playing my role at home, trying to multi-task with a timer, but I keep failing. It just add up to the stress I am having right now when I know I put in effort but gets no results!

Today, many of my batch-mates who were close to me during my IMOS days asked me a question. They asked why have my white hair doubled as compared to the last time they saw me in camp before OJT. I simply told them because I'm still trying to cope with the stress. But these are harmless. Stress have caused me various health problems. When I stress, I eat a lot at once to distract myself from thinking. Now, I've gain a few extra weights that I have no time to lose them. It further cause me my current gastric pains. Which escalated to a deep degree of pain and now I have to see a specialist for it. I always knew my morning stomach pains and need to use the washroom since secondary 2 is a problem with my stomach, but I never had the money to pay for a specialist check, and neither do my parents. Now that I'm a NSF, it's paid by the government, so it's high time I get it checked though I...

...I know it won't help at all.
I've told my chief about what I'm going through. She's a really nice chief and though she tried her best to ease me off my current state of stress and worries, it isn't really helping much. She told me that I am putting myself in such a stressful situation because I'm progressing too fast and hope that I could slow down my paces so my mind can adapt to it.

But how?
How can I afford to slow down, now more than ever when I'm already a posted crew? How can I afford to slow down, when I know it will affect the performance of the ship and let everyone down? I can't slow down, in fact, I have to further increase my pace so I can completely understand and execute what's required of me as part of the ship! I can't slow down, I really can't slow down! Trust me, I even tried. But I can't.

Do you know?

It's so heavy... Neck's stiff... Shoulders and back is hurting...

Yet, I ain't even carrying any physical. My mind IS the one that's carrying it.
I felt like the Titan who needs to bear the weight of the world on his shoulders right now in Greek Mythology. Pardon me but serving this 2 years of NS means the WORLD to me. That's why I'm feeling like this. I mean hey, I'm protecting my country dammit! Being a Navy men means my ship is my 2nd family - which again means my world too. This weight, I can't let go. I just can't. That is why I'm constantly doing my best trying to achieve those that I've yet to achieve. But I ain't getting anywhere - I'm only getting from bad to worse.

It's mind-blowing, in a bad way. My mind felt like blowing-up for real.

KABOOM! And I turn insane...

...That however, I am trying to avoid. Many times have I felt like breaking down, but persevered through. But for how long more can I last? I fear not long...

At this moment, I felt like just exploding, turning mentally insane from the stress.

I'm still trying... Still not giving up... Still doing my best...

But really... Not for long. I can't hold out that long anymore.