Thinking.

I've been doing some thinking on my own.


It dawn to me that all I really wanted is to help people, but in the process of doing so, I take no heed to my needs and wants. This in turn leads me off the track I am suppose to move on.

Since my encounter with a dear friend of mine, I embark on an impossible quest of chivalry and honor in this era, only to realize now that sometimes, the 36 Stratagems can get things done quick and clean - and I mean really clean. We don't have people who upholds such traits anymore. The men-in-blues uphold only the law, but in reality, they just slack around and write report then dump them one side. The SPF have shown us very clearly that unless you're someone big - and I mean really BIG, you can forget about any service from them.


The society is much harsher and underhanded in the sense that, backstabbing is now literally a frontal assault. Since it has all come down to this, why try be a knight-in-shining-armor and being made use by girls over and over again? Well, not only them actually but the society as well.


I am very much like Cao Cao in the sense that we both had no tolerance to betrayal.
Just that he have the power to execute people and I don't - I mean I can't, I lack the proper finance to do it cleanly. Anyone can do it, seriously. It's a piece of cake.


Till now, all my neglected needs and wants turned on me. I lost sight of what is important for ME. Lost sight of my vision and goals, lost sight of me, myself and I. I neglected myself too much, probably for the sake of others. I spend hours talking to people, consoling them and taking on their burdens, hoping to relieve them - which is successful because they felt relieve and great afterwards but hey! I don't. I indulge deeper, breaking up the problems into what causes them and why, like a mind-map.


It just happen. I've never realized what got me so interested in such issues. Never realized what make me wants to solve this puzzle and then break it apart again to further understand it.


I need some time for myself.
It really did become apparent that by helping others, I did not do myself a favor.
I am only being used, then toss aside once I 'expires'.
I need to pay more attention to my needs and wants.


To be honest, I am very tempted to go after you girl, all these while you've chosen the wrong men to go with and they betray you, thus hurts you deeply, these are feelings I understand. If I ever did stand any chances, it would be years back in those good o' secondary school days. 
I ain't the kind of guy you like. Back then, I'm always waiting for you to see the right guy in me - something you probably never did and now, I'm simply tired. You already projects the feeling that you would come to me only when you needed something. Maybe you do so sub-consciously but only you would know that...


I'm all smiley and cheerful and all, but in reality...
I'm tired. The word FUBAR in German and American terms is such an understatement to what I am going through right now. I'm just... tired of it all. Relationships won't work out for me and I am pretty sick of it already, to go through the same ending all the time. I know there are times my methods are wrong, sometimes I were simply desperate. All these, after much analyzing and research, were caused by the fact I'm too selfless to the extent I forgo my needs and wants.


Only now do I understand the true meaning behind this phrase - "it takes someone selfish to be selfless." My recent activities with the Gekiken group have kinda leave some mark on simply how far I fell from where I was back then. There was never a rise, only a fall. My best days were still in my secondary school life, one you were part of. The day when I was introduced to you, the day we went out together and many more. Those days, you made me smile genuinely but now, that feeling's long gone.


I just ain't who I used to be.
I no longer smile the smile you loves.
I no longer laugh the laugh you loves.


Sorry. Throughout our long periods of radio-silence and a series of short burst communications, that Gary you knew, died on September 2010.